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Thursday, September 13, 2012

New Study Reveals Just How Slutty You Are

Posted By on Thu, Sep 13, 2012 at 1:01 PM

Being a dawg in the dog world
  • Being a dawg in the dog world

Ribald researchers last year determined that San Francisco's liberal values include endless lechery and unbridled promiscuity. But that study stopped short, giving us no indication of how many lovers is too many lovers.

Luckily for all you sex fiends out there, another crop of research has come out, indicating that 10 is just the right amount of sex partners to have to be considered a hot date. Fewer fucks than that, you are a prude, and if you've racked up more than 10 bedmates, well, you might be considered kinda slutty, according to a study released by SeekingArrangement.com, the world's largest sugar daddy site.

"With 10 lovers, you are neither too hot not too cold," the study claims.

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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Have You Properly Observed Global Female Condom Day Yet?

Posted By on Wed, Sep 12, 2012 at 1:19 PM

Time to go observe good sex
  • Time to go observe good sex

Today is Female Condom Day, where women and gay men -- or any closeted Republican who likes anal sex -- are being asked to pay respect and attention to the condom just as they would a sucker on National Lollipop Day.

That means you should definitely have a quickie today -- you deserve it.

It's the first year the entire world has declared Global Female Condom Day -- but it is necessary, considering how underutilized the female condom has become, according to the San Francisco Department of Health.

Currently, female condoms only comprise 1.6 percent of the total condom distribution worldwide. Maybe that's because the term "female condom" is throwing off the health community's main target: gay men.
 

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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Alleged Cock Ring Patrol Upsets Castro Nudists

Posted By on Thu, Sep 6, 2012 at 3:50 PM

What is annoying is trying to get a drink in the Castro
  • What is annoying is trying to get a drink in the Castro

Believe it or not, being a nudist doesn't always make for a liberating life.

Just ask the naked folks of the Castro, who claim San Francisco cops are on unofficial "Cock Ring Patrol" in the Castro, which is exactly what it sounds like: cops cracking down on nudists wearing cock rings.

Mitch Hightower, a local nudist, says in an e-mail to SF Weekly that cock-ring-wearing exhibitionists "frequenting the area report that either a duo or trio of cops approach selected male nudists and inform them that wearing cock rings draws undue attention to the genitals, and is therefore, under the law, considered to be lewd conduct." He went on to say that those nudists were told they would have to register as sex offenders if they are busted with the sex toy in public.

Obviously, we wanted to know more. So we contacted SFPD, which tried its best to explain the very fine line between laying around naked and wearing a cock ring in public, especially if it's used to arouse the penis.

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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Continental Airlines Allegedly Humilates Gay Couple With Dildo

Posted By on Tue, Aug 28, 2012 at 9:30 AM

Continental Airlines employs dicks
  • Continental Airlines employs dicks

A gay couple has accused Continental Airlines employees of making their trip home less than satisfying, using the couple's own private dildo. 

Christopher Bridgeman and Martin Borger filed a lawsuit against United Continental Holdings and Continental Airlines in Harris County Court this week, claiming workers

humiliated them by removing a dildo from their bag and taping it

outside the luggage for everyone in baggage claim to see.

The

men say they arrived in Houston from Costa Rica on May 21, 2011, and retrieved their checked luggage. After going through Customs, the men rechecked

their bags and hopped on their flight bound for Norfolk, Va. Upon landing in Virginia, the men had a big surprise waiting for them at baggage claim.

"Plaintiffs' bags were sent to the baggage

carousel where plaintiffs discovered, to their horror, that a private

sex toy had been removed from one of their bags, covered in a greasy

foul-smelling substance and taped prominently to the top of their bag," the lawsuit states.
 

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Friday, August 24, 2012

Moms Sue Fresno School District Over Bad Sex Education Policy

Posted By on Fri, Aug 24, 2012 at 8:40 AM

sex_education_kenya.jpg

It appears the educators over in Fresno might have eaten one too many sandwiches from Chick-fil-A .

In the small suburb of Clovis, the school district is refusing to provide kids with sex education, telling students instead only to abstain from the natural act, and "get plenty of rest" to stave off gonorrhea, AIDs, et al., according to a lawsuit filed this week.

Clovis mothers Aubree Smith and Mica Ghimenti have teamed up with the American Academy of Pediatrics to sue the school over their unsexy sex-ed policy.

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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Cop Sues SFPD for Suspending Him Because He Likes Photographing Naked Women

Posted By on Wed, Aug 15, 2012 at 4:45 PM

A Jimmy McNulty-approved hobby.
  • A Jimmy McNulty-approved hobby.

[Woman sits alone at bar. Man approaches, offers to buy her a drink. Woman accepts. Man takes seat at empty stool beside woman. Small talk materializes. Occasional smiles, giggles, and hair twirling. Conversation advances.]


Woman: So, like, what do you do for fun?

Man: Well, I like photographing naked woman ... but, like, in an artistic sort of way.

[Pause scene.]

There are two kinds of men who might say this to a woman: 1. Bold men,  and  2. Men who actually photograph naked women in an artistic sort of way (is there any other?).

Officer Gared Hansen is both (although it is unknown and irrelevant whether he has ever used the above line at a bar). To wit: The San Francisco police officer is suing the city because, he charges, the Police Department wrongfully suspended him twice for his hobby: photographing naked women.

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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Jenna Jameson, Queen of Porn, Endorses Mitt Romney, Incites Political Discourse

Posted By on Tue, Aug 7, 2012 at 12:00 AM

Surprisingly conservative! - GLENN FRANCIS VIA FLICKR
  • Glenn Francis via Flickr
  • Surprisingly conservative!

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney managed to -- literally -- sex up his campaign without even trying.

It turns out that the Queen of Porn, Jenna Jameson, proudly admitted to a San Francisco reporter that she is definitely voting for Romney come election day. The Los Angeles-based porn star came out as a Romney fan when she visited San Francisco's Gold Club last week to celebrate its eighth anniversary. There, a CBS reporter scored an exclusive interview with Jameson, during which she gave her surprise endorsement.

Jameson, who is one of the most famous adult entertainers in America, gave only one reason why Romney was her choice: money.

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Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Bay Guardian Finally Drops Trou

Posted By on Thu, Jul 19, 2012 at 4:45 PM

After the Examiner brought the San Francisco Bay Guardian earlier this year, the paper's publisher vowed that not only would the city's most progressive paper still be progressive, but it would get "progressively more progressive."

We didn't know that was possible, but now we see -- literally -- that it is.

Today's cover on the Bay Area's nude beaches gives us a sneak peek at what we might actually find at those beaches. Let's just say, the men on the cover are finally showing us what they packed in their picnics this year.

And because San Franciscans haven't seen enough dick this week:

guardian_cover.jpg


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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

World's Largest Penis: Jonah Falcon's Dong Visits San Francisco, Dick Jokes Ensue

Posted By on Wed, Jul 18, 2012 at 8:10 AM

bigcarrot.jpg

This week it was revealed that the world's largest penis and the nebbishy, 41-year-old man it's attached to visited our fair city. In the ostensibly newsworthy portion of this development, he was asked by airport security personnel if he had the world's largest penis in his pocket or was just happy to see them.

Yes to both, it would seem.

Jonah Falcon is something of an odd bird. He's gained a measure of fame for his celery-stalk-sized phallus, which he clearly revels in (an excellent Rolling Stone profile follows him as he dons pinstripe baseball pants "two sizes too small" for a trip to Yankee Stadium and otherwise struggles to emerge from his member's massive shadow). Falcon steadfastly refuses to delve into the world of adult films, however, as then no one would take him seriously as an actor.

Well, fair enough. We'll take Falcon and his chosen career as a thespian as serious as penile cancer. We'll make fun of our brethren in the press, however, for missing the most golden opportunity for San Francisco-related dick jokes in the history of San Francisco and dicks.

To wit:

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Friday, April 27, 2012

Local Man Claims BMW Ride Gave Him a Permanent Boner

Posted By on Fri, Apr 27, 2012 at 12:45 PM

Great performance ... the bike that is
  • Great performance ... the bike that is

Turns out BMWs aren't always a chick magnet.


Sadly, a San Francisco man had to find out the hard way how unpleasurable a BMW ride can be -- literally. According to a lawsuit filed in San Francisco this week, Henry Wolf says his BMW motorcycle's ridge-like seat gave him a "severe case of priapism," otherwise known as a really, really long (lasting) erection.

On the surface, that sounds like nothing more than a literalization of why guys buy motorcycles in the first place. But Wolf claims his constant erection has ruined his sex life -- and we're guessing that's more painful than the erection itself.

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