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Thursday, July 14, 2016

Millennial Problems: Scary-Good

Posted By on Thu, Jul 14, 2016 at 11:14 AM

Gotta fool 'em all - CARTELPRESS.COM
  • Gotta fool 'em all

As the saying goes: Fool the New York Post, shame on you, but fool The Atlantic, and now you’re famous.

The world’s scariest - or scary awesomest - millennial is a 26-year-old guy named Pablo Reyes who played the best trick of the week on a bunch of grownup children and journalists. We think his name is Pablo Reyes, but at this point the entire thing is open for debate.

It all started when some company released some video game for smartphones called Pokemon Go (we’d never heard of it either). Apparently it’s popular everywhere, including San Francisco. Eh, maybe popular isn’t the right word. It seems to be the biggest thing since sliced bread (that’s baby boomer humor). Think popular like the Super Bowl, early American Idol, or the pope. Pope popular. So the game is so popular that apparently people will believe anything having to do with the game.

“Pokemon Go: Major Highway Accident After Man Stops In Middle Of Highway To Catch Pikachu!”

“Pokemon GO: Teen Kills Younger Brother Because He Thought He Deleted His Pokemon”

“ISIS Is Taking Responsibility For “Pokemon Go”s Login Problems; Server Issues”

Those are some of the headlines on a fake news site called Cartel Press that apparently fit the narrative of Pokemon Go’s reception that reputable news organizations like the New York Post (hehehe) and Atlantic decided to run with them as if they were accurate. Pablo Reyes is the guy behind the guy who came up with them, according to this story from another reputable news source. (We’re so confused, we don’t know who to believe; maybe Pokemon isn’t even real?!)

Weirdly enough, Reyes claims the stories went viral by accident after he was testing some new platform for Cartel Press that pushed them to the top of the page. Whatever. The point is, many people just ate them up without the slightest pause, it seems. Just look at the photo of the “major highway accident.” It was clearly taken during winter.

“A lot of people go off the headline. They read the article. They find it funny. This is why it works. There are people who are very gullible out there,” Reyes told The Daily Beast. “I mean, if you actually read the article, you can tell the article is bogus.”

But no one seemed to care, which is nothing new. This story, for instance, does a good job of screwing with people, but it’s supposed to, like other social experiments.

Reyes is no stranger to screwing with gullible people. He’s also the guy who can predict the future with a few simple Facebook tricks.

Reyes’ stories were supposed to make people laugh, and instead the joke is wholly on them. He wins all the medals. 
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Thursday, June 23, 2016

Millennial Problems: A Mystery Inside an Enigma

Posted By on Thu, Jun 23, 2016 at 1:05 PM

click image GIPHY
  • Giphy

Millennials can be a study in a lot of things, but maybe none better than contradictions. The world’s most annoying generation thinks the best places to live in the U.S. are New York City and San Francisco, yet their top priorities for their home city are a healthy economy and rent and housing prices that aren’t too damn high.

That’s according to these easy-to-browse survey results from Abodo, some apartment listings site we’d never heard of (probably because we can’t afford to ever rent another apartment in the Bay Area).

Abodo contacted 2,000 people born between 1982 and 1998 to compile these results. It offers no plus-minus on the outcome (rookie move), but the results are still oodles of fun. Especially the contradictions.

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Thursday, April 21, 2016

Millennial Problems: Expectations vs. Reality

Posted By on Thu, Apr 21, 2016 at 12:08 PM

Under 30, with the keys. - BOBVILLA.COM
  • Under 30, with the keys.
It’s hard enough for millennials to spend most of their day buried in mobile technology, so it’s no wonder many of them are ignorant to the fact that it’s darn expensive to be a property owner in San Francisco.

But just how deep is that ignorance? Think Monterey Canyon abyss deep.

Thanks to rental marketplace Apartment List — which, obviously, was founded by two dudes who became landlords in their 20s — we now have a clear picture of the extent to which our favorite generation is out of touch. Millennials in San Francisco polled by the company think they need about $70,000 for a down payment on a new home.

With the general expectation that a down payment covers 20 percent of the property’s selling price, that means millennials believe there to be a market for $350,000 homes in San Francisco.


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Thursday, June 18, 2015

Rush Limbaugh Predicts New 49ers Policy Will Destroy NFL and America

Posted By on Thu, Jun 18, 2015 at 3:59 PM

  • DonkeyHotey/Flickr

If you haven’t already heard, the San Francisco 49ers recently announced some housekeeping changes designed to optimize players’ performance. As the Wall Street Journal reports, the team is carving its typical two hour meetings into 30-minute chunks, followed by a 10-minute intermission for texting, tweeting, and Facebooking.

The move comes after ad execs and Stanford researchers informed coach Jim Tomsula that engaging the Millennial brain “means making concessions for people with shorter attention spans, a desire to multitask and, yes, a need to check their phones all the time.”

File this under "easy humor," but Rush Limbaugh is scandalized by the news and wants the rest of America to know that anarchy is coming:

We're getting to the point where, ain't gonna be long, running back X scores a crazy play, goes to the sideline, he watches the video of himself doing it and posts it on his Twitter account and is commenting to people during the game about his TD that he just scored. And then the networks are gonna tap into the feed, they're gonna be reporting it, and pretty soon there's not gonna be any difference in the stage and the audience, and that's when it's all gonna crumble.

Limbaugh also despaired over America’s deepening nihilism::

In addition to Americans losing confidence in everything, they're losing confidence in religion. Confidence in religion has hit a new low. Everything's on the... Everything is bottoming out. The American people are losing faith in everything. The one element that's missing... They're losing faith in the economy. They're losing faith in the country. And this feeds, by the way, right into the leftist agenda. Lose faith in everything and turn to government for the solution to everything.

He went on to say that Americans didn’t feel this bleak six years ago. (Bush’s 22 percent approval rating in 2009 was apparently a misdiagnosed bout of optimism.)

When everything is in the shitter six years from now, Rush’s words will come back to haunt us, and the 49ers will be to blame.

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Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Watch BART Riders Get Pissed at Guy Filming Exercise Tutorial on Train

Posted By on Wed, Jun 17, 2015 at 1:30 PM

Reddit, a trusted resource among journalists since 2005, has dredged up this gem featuring San Francisco’s most prolific video asshole:

If this guy looks familiar, that's because you’ve probably seen his previous shitshows “It’s your constitutional right” and “Burger King customer service ftl.” He’s easy fodder for local blogs searching for afternoon pick-me-ups, and there’s something undeniably compelling about watching a trainful of people experiencing this in real-time.

Remember, folks: use your environment.

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Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Publicity Stunt Captures Everything That's Hilarious and Awful About SF Startups

Posted By on Tue, Jun 16, 2015 at 12:01 PM

  • Photo courtesy of Jack Morse

For most people, spending an afternoon in the park means picnicking with friends, putting back a few beers, and maybe playing a halfhearted game of catch. For the French company behind the dating app happn, this past Saturday at Dolores Park was the perfect opportunity to make an awkward first impression on the people of San Francisco.

How did happn, which launched in 2014, choose to make its SF debut?

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Wednesday, January 28, 2015

This Panhandling Pup Can Still Afford a (P)leather Jacket

Posted By on Wed, Jan 28, 2015 at 12:24 PM

  • erin sherbert
San Francisco has long thought of itself as a fashion-forward city — even when its fashion choices are seemingly ass-backward

But because donning hipster hoodies and spiked collars isn't statement enough, we have taken to the curious act of outfitting our pets in trendy attire. The worst part in all this: Often times you'll witness a pooch who pulled off a jacket much better than you ever could. 

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Thursday, December 4, 2014

1-Bedroom Sinkhole for Rent in Richmond District

Posted By on Thu, Dec 4, 2014 at 8:49 AM

A good sense of humor is worth a million bucks — or at least it's worth your next month's rent.

This Craigslister had fun with that sinkhole in the Richmond District yesterday, broadcasting it as the latest 1-bedroom up for rent  in San Francisco for $2,800. It's the perfect digs for someone who doesn't need much room to breathe and has hit rock bottom.

Per the ad:

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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

"Angry, Hairy, Man-Hating" Lesbian Offers to Ruin Your Family Thanksgiving

Posted By on Wed, Nov 26, 2014 at 12:08 PM

Perfect date! (Also, this is not the actual picture of the CL poster) - FLICKR/]°
  • flickr/]°
  • Perfect date! (Also, this is not the actual picture of the CL poster)
Unless you're an "angry lesbian," an angry lesbian maybe isn't someone you want to spend the rest of your life with (or maybe you do). Having said that, if you hate your family, then an angry lesbian tends to make the perfect Thanksgiving date. 

So for those of you looking to stir up some family drama to go with your turkey and stuffing tomorrow, this "angry, hairy, man-hating lesbian" is offering her services: to grind her axe right there at the dinner table. 

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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Police Use Puking Pumpkin to Warn Drivers About Drinking and Driving on Halloween

Posted By on Wed, Oct 29, 2014 at 10:06 AM

We really couldn't think of a better way to illustrate a life-altering hangover than this pumpkin puking out its insides. 

Cops are tweeting (and retweeting) images of these adorable, yet totally screwed pumpkins in attempt to convince all of you planning to party on Halloween not to drink your body weight in alcohol. More importantly, if you do drink too much, as in over the legal limit, don't drive. 

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  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"