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Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Supervisor John Avalos Wants 16-Year-Old Kids to Vote So They Can Also Feel Screwed by Politics

Posted By on Wed, Mar 25, 2015 at 1:52 PM

San Francisco City Supervisor John Avalos recently put forward a ballot measure giving 16-year-old kids the right to vote in city elections, stating that they should have the right to be just as disappointed in democracy as everyone else.

“I believe with all my heart that, if given the vote, teenagers will be every bit as satisfied with the American political system as African Americans, Hispanics, and women are,” Avalos said. “It’s their turn.”

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Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Company That Believes in Utopian Singularity to Rate Websites on the Basis of Truthfulness

Posted By on Tue, Mar 10, 2015 at 1:31 PM

Google, a search company filled with people who believe that individual consciousnesses will be uploaded into virtual reality environments, has announced plans to rate websites on the basis of factual accuracy.

The company, which is famous for using bizarrely complicated interview questions that have no value in the hiring process except to make its managers feel smarter, has said that substituting its judgment for the public's will make search results more accurate —  because its managers are so smart.

Google, which is also infamous for rarely hiring minorities and women, says it sees absolutely no downside to this plan, according to thousands of white male engineers in their 20s.

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Friday, February 20, 2015

San Francisco Parents Shocked to Learn that Catholic Schools Are Catholic

Posted By on Fri, Feb 20, 2015 at 10:28 AM

San Francisco parents of children enrolled at local Catholic schools were recently shocked to discover that their children are attending schools run by Catholics.

The discovery was made after the local Archbishop, an official of the Catholic Church, sent letters to local teachers employed by the Catholic Church, reminding them of some of the things that the Catholic Church believes in. Those things offended many San Francisco parents, who say they were horrified to discover that the church which they have asked to educate their children might be influencing the way their kids think.

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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Tech Industry Believes it Invented San Francisco, Burning Man, and Sex

Posted By on Tue, Aug 12, 2014 at 7:30 AM

Inspired by Bay Area tech industry - FLICKR/CROWCOMBE AL
According to reports, the Silicon Valley-based tech industry has convinced itself that it invented everything it enjoys, including Democracy, rule of law, San Francisco, Burning Man, and sex

“Techies are really innovative, so it’s only natural that they would hack human sexuality by coming up with a pleasurable use for what was previously just a reproductive process,” Google employee Miles Davidson said. “You’re welcome.”

Brent Sternberg, a Facebook engineer who started attending Mission Control sex parties a year ago, said that blow jobs simply wouldn’t have been possible without social media. “How could you have ever told someone that you like it?” he asked. “It would never work.”

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Monday, July 21, 2014

Marvel Comics Reveals New Wolverine Is a Transgender Samoan Atheist

Posted By on Mon, Jul 21, 2014 at 7:54 AM

She goes by "James Howlett" at the gay bars
  • She goes by "James Howlett" at the gay bars

New York -- After recent announcements that by 2015 Thor will be a woman, Captain America will be an African American, and Iron Man will move to San Francisco and redesign his armor to look like an Apple device, Marvel Comics issued a stunning new announcement about its most popular character this week.

"Beginning next year, Wolverine will -- once he comes back to life -- be a transgender Samoan atheist whose bones are made out of 100 percent recycled metal," said Marvel's Executive Editor Tom Brevoort. "S/he will dedicate ze's awesome mutant powers to the fight against microaggression."

This, Marvel Editor Will Moss said, "isn't a gimmick. This isn't a temporary twist or a replacement 'trans-Asian-athiest' Wolverine. This is the real Wolverine, just the way fans have always loved zhim: a complex anti-hero who won't rest until all of America composts."

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Monday, July 7, 2014

Oakland City Council Nearly Loses A's Stadium Deal by Reading It

Posted By on Mon, Jul 7, 2014 at 8:39 AM

Can read
  • Can read

Officials in Oakland nearly lost the city's iconic baseball team after City Council members inadvertently read the proposed lease agreement, sources on both sides say.

"It's yet another example of chaos down at city hall," said San Francisco Chronicle columnist Chip Johnson. "For the city council to read the terms of a lease they're asked to sign is just not how business gets done."

ESPN analyst Tommy Melvin agreed. "Sports isn't about reading," he said. "Neither are legally binding agreements with teams. They're about heart."

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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The Complete Text of Ron Conway's Rant at the Next Big Thing Summit

Posted By on Tue, Jun 10, 2014 at 1:08 PM

  • via Wikimedia
  • Ron Conway

Maybe you missed it yesterday, but well-known Venture Capitalist Ron Conway lost his cool at the "Next Big Thing" Summit. More specifically, he shouted at fellow venture capitalist Chamath Palihapitiya who was criticizing corporate San Francisco along with Mayor Ed Lee.

We got the full transcript of Conway's diatribe for your reading pleasure:

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Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Muni "Sickout": Drivers Come Up With Bizarre Excuses When Calling in "Sick" (Audio)

Posted By on Tue, Jun 3, 2014 at 9:45 AM


Hundreds of Muni workers called in sick Monday and again today as part of an alleged "sickout" that's left San Francisco commuters stranded on street corners.

And you wouldn't believe the excuses those drivers left on Muni's voicemail yesterday morning. Thankfully, our public record's request was answered and we got our hands on those phone messages. Check them out:

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Thursday, May 29, 2014

@HiddenCash Donor Is Really Trying to Kill Off San Franciscans

Posted By on Thu, May 29, 2014 at 8:38 AM

Wants your studio apartment
  • Wants your studio apartment

While media reports have so far focused on the "winners" of the mysterious @HiddenCash's diabolical game, it might be better to call them "survivors."

A new report from the San Francisco Police Department says that for every San Franciscan who finds $100 in a key box in a yoga studio, three San Franciscans plunge helplessly to their deaths trying to reach $100 carefully placed on top of a trash compactor, under the wheels of a Muni bus -- or in the mouth of zoo animals.

"It's a trap!" said San Francisco Police Department Chief Greg Suhr. "My God, people, can't you see it? He's toying with you, like one of Batman's greatest foes!"

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Monday, May 19, 2014

Tech Start-Up Creates App to Stop Asshole Tech CEOs From Saying Stupid Things

Posted By on Mon, May 19, 2014 at 8:01 AM

CEO/tech bro Greg Gopman recevies shocks by new app - FACEBOOK
  • Facebook
  • CEO/tech bro Greg Gopman recevies shocks by new app

San Francisco, CA -- Local tech entrepreneurs today announced that their start-up company has solved one of America's pressing social problems by developing an App to reduce instances of asshole tech CEOs.

"Most tech CEOs don't beat their girlfriends like Gurbaksh Chahal or hit people with their cars and then drive away like Nirav Tolia," the announcement from technology start up Pulse Omnium Elite said, "But they're still assholes. Fortunately, we believe the social power of technology can disrupt the social power of technology."

Pulse Omnium Elite, has been described by PandoDaily as a hot new green social currency innovation sharing platform. Pulse Omnium Elite CEO Brent Davis added "we're also a hub space."

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  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"