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Thursday, June 18, 2015

Rush Limbaugh Predicts New 49ers Policy Will Destroy NFL and America

Posted By on Thu, Jun 18, 2015 at 3:59 PM

DONKEYHOTEY/FLICKR
  • DonkeyHotey/Flickr

If you haven’t already heard, the San Francisco 49ers recently announced some housekeeping changes designed to optimize players’ performance. As the Wall Street Journal reports, the team is carving its typical two hour meetings into 30-minute chunks, followed by a 10-minute intermission for texting, tweeting, and Facebooking.

The move comes after ad execs and Stanford researchers informed coach Jim Tomsula that engaging the Millennial brain “means making concessions for people with shorter attention spans, a desire to multitask and, yes, a need to check their phones all the time.”

File this under "easy humor," but Rush Limbaugh is scandalized by the news and wants the rest of America to know that anarchy is coming:

We're getting to the point where, ain't gonna be long, running back X scores a crazy play, goes to the sideline, he watches the video of himself doing it and posts it on his Twitter account and is commenting to people during the game about his TD that he just scored. And then the networks are gonna tap into the feed, they're gonna be reporting it, and pretty soon there's not gonna be any difference in the stage and the audience, and that's when it's all gonna crumble.

Limbaugh also despaired over America’s deepening nihilism::

In addition to Americans losing confidence in everything, they're losing confidence in religion. Confidence in religion has hit a new low. Everything's on the... Everything is bottoming out. The American people are losing faith in everything. The one element that's missing... They're losing faith in the economy. They're losing faith in the country. And this feeds, by the way, right into the leftist agenda. Lose faith in everything and turn to government for the solution to everything.

He went on to say that Americans didn’t feel this bleak six years ago. (Bush’s 22 percent approval rating in 2009 was apparently a misdiagnosed bout of optimism.)

When everything is in the shitter six years from now, Rush’s words will come back to haunt us, and the 49ers will be to blame.



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Friday, January 9, 2015

49ers Lineman Knocks Out Purse Snatcher at Designer Retail Store

Posted By on Fri, Jan 9, 2015 at 12:24 PM

A shoplifter might be wary of the cops or even bored security guards, but never are they expecting to get busted by a large football player with a hell of a tackle.

Here's a cautionary tale for all you would-be shoplifters: Yesterday afternoon, an opportunistic thief found himself in the grips of a 312-pound NFL player, specifically 49ers offensive tackle Jonathan Martin yesterday at a high-end retail shop in Los Angeles.

The San Francisco football lineman sacked the crook at a Versace store as he attempted to steal from the store, he says on his Twitter account.

"Just took a dude out trying to rob a Versace store," he tweeted, adding an honorable "#CivicDuty."

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Monday, January 5, 2015

49ers, CEO Caught in Age Discrimination Lawsuit

Posted By on Mon, Jan 5, 2015 at 1:56 PM

49ers CEO Jed York at Fortune Brainstorm TECH 2013, a technology meet-up. - FLICKR / FORTUNE LIVE MEDIA
  • Flickr / Fortune Live Media
  • 49ers CEO Jed York at Fortune Brainstorm TECH 2013, a technology meet-up.
Two former managers of the 49ers slammed CEO Jed York and the team with an age discrimination lawsuit on Friday, years after York fired the veteran employees in an alleged effort to brand his team as the technology startup of the NFL.

Anthony Lozano and Keith Yanagi, both who were in their late 50's when they were fired, submitted a federal complaint against York for letting go "a lot" of senior managers in 2011 and 2012 to make room for younger employees from Silicon Valley, the complaint alleges.

When asked why the team wanted to hire young tech workers, the complaint says York replied, "'Because they made a lot of money, they did a lot of cool things before they turned 40 years old, and they didn't want to play golf six days a week.'"

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Monday, December 29, 2014

Jim Harbaugh: Exit, Pursued by a Wolverine

Posted By on Mon, Dec 29, 2014 at 11:55 AM

NOOOOOOOO-BODY!
  • NOOOOOOOO-BODY!
The Jim Harbaugh era of the San Francisco 49ers football franchise ended with neither a bang nor a whimper but whatever sound it is that's released by a convenient lie. 

Harbaugh and team owner Jed York yesterday confirmed what was long apparent — the coach won't be returning in 2015. The lie was that this was a "mutual decision" made in both men's "mutual best interest." 

This statement does to the English language what a recent Congressional report reveals our intelligence services did to men in deep, dark dungeons. Credit, however, for not evoking the notion of the coach leaving his job to spend more time with his family. One rarely accepts a job and gushes about spending less time with family.

Harbaugh will return to the spectacularly lucrative womb, accepting the top job at his alma mater, Michigan, for a purported six-year, $48 million deal. That's an obscene amount of money for a football coach at a state school to earn but, it would seem, it means a lot for the Maize and Blue to beat Ohio State.  

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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

49ers Sack Ray McDonald in Light of Sexual Assault Claims

Posted By on Wed, Dec 17, 2014 at 1:40 PM

Ray McDonald. - FLICKR/DEREK KACZMARCZYK
The 49ers have ejected defensive lineman Ray McDonald following new sexual assault allegations that surfaced earlier this week. 

On Tuesday, police served a search warrant to the player's Silver Creek Valley home, after receiving reports from an alleged assault victim at a local hospital. This investigation came months after the Santa Clara District Attorney's Office decided it didn't have enough evidence to prosecute McDonald on domestic violence charges involving his pregnant fiance.

All of that suggests the team may be taking a harder line on assault and domestic violence charges, or at least attempting to cover itself at a time when the NFL is getting widely excoriated for its lax stance on such crimes.

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Friday, October 3, 2014

49ers' New App: Get a Beer at Levi's Stadium Delivered to Your Seat

Posted By on Fri, Oct 3, 2014 at 1:29 PM

Beer me, nerd!
  • Beer me, nerd!
Not much has gone according to plan for the 49ers this year at their plush new $1.3 billion home in the 'burbs. Workers died building the place. A fan died attending the place. The team coughed up leads. The stadium is so far from San Francisco the B-Roll shots of city scenery played during games are practically satirical

But there is this: The team has enhanced the in-game experience for the fans paying metric shitloads of dollars to attend with a smartphone app that allows you to have a beer delivered to your seat — and find the least crowded restroom in which to recycle it. 

The Niners don't play in San Francisco anymore. But, to appropriate a word San Franciscans hold near and dear, the Levi's Stadium app is rather holistic. 

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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

If You Like Marijuana, You Should Boycott the NFL

Posted By on Wed, Aug 27, 2014 at 2:51 PM

Done wrong. - FLICKR/ERIK DROST
Josh Gordon is no angel. The Cleveland Browns wide receiver, who was suspended for the entirety of the 2014 NFL season on Wednesday for marijuana use, is a person, a thinking and sentient human being.

Presumably, he is also one of the 75 percent of NFL players who know that marijuana is more benign than alcohol. Gordon may also be one of the league's marijuana users who recognize that in addition to helping with the myriad aches and pains one must play through in order keep their job in professional football, cannabis may help stave off the "reward" players "enjoy" after a long career: CTE, or chronic traumatic encephalopathy, the disintegration of one's brain thanks to concussions.

The NFL's drug policy calls for a season-long suspension for a repeat drug "offender." This is no secret or surprise; this is the deal to which the NFL's employees agreed and the rules under which they work. The league has a few defenders today, who point out that Gordon knew what he was doing and knew what he risked by using cannabis.

We offer a different point. Anyone who supports marijuana legalization ought to boycott pro football this year. 

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Friday, August 8, 2014

Advertising Intrudes on Field During Niners Game

Posted By on Fri, Aug 8, 2014 at 12:15 PM

Unsubtle. Like the game atop it. - SB NATION SCREENGRAB
What automobile company's performance best equates with the Niners' dismal showing in last night's preseason opener? Yugo? Trabant? General Motors

Whatever the case, the company that paid good money to be associated with the "Red Zone" for the foreseeable future is Toyota. Fans may not have fond associations with memories of stalled-out drives and blown mid-range field goals. But now Toyota's name will be branded right on the field. 

Verily. If San Francisco fans watching last night's anemic 23-3 loss to Baltimore gleaned nothing else, they witnessed the dawn of of high-priced ads being digitally projected onto an NFL field of play

It's a brave new world for garish, ubiquitous advertising. 

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Monday, August 4, 2014

Candlestick Park Scoreboard, Washing Machines, Kitchen Fixtures To Be Auctioned Off

Posted By on Mon, Aug 4, 2014 at 4:27 PM

A night when a few more candlesticks would have been welcome at Candlestick
  • A night when a few more candlesticks would have been welcome at Candlestick
The city of San Francisco may yet auction off the right to flip the caps and implode Candlestick Park. Bidding would be intense

But, prior to then, the ballpark's desiccated corpse will be picked clean, and future bidders on Candlestick's immolation may first put in bids on its infrastructure

Most of the team memorabilia — namely, those orange seats — will be sold by the city and team in a separate batch, with 49ers season ticket-holders getting first shot. As we've written before, if you really wanted a plastic stadium seat, they can be had for less than 1 percent what a retired Candlestick seat will cost you.

But you could actually get a good price on the stadium's heavy duty industrial equipment — if that's the kind of thing you want to buy. Hell, you could buy the damn kitchen sink

Heritage Global Partners will handle the sale on Sept. 10; the Bay Area-based outfit previously auctioned off the entrails of the America's Cup and the ephemera of Amway Stadium in Orlando. Fourth-generation auctioneer Nick Dove notes that his company liquidated Enron, Solyndra, and Napster (Ask not for whom the bell tolls — but it's good business for the bell-toller). He's handled many, many shuttered factories or plants. 

This, however, is the first time Dove will ever auction off a place of  childhood nostalgia. But not elements of the stadium you're likely nostalgic about. Here's a small sampling of what could be yours come Sept. 10: 

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Friday, August 1, 2014

49ers Standing Room Seats Will Cost Up to $75

Posted By on Fri, Aug 1, 2014 at 1:41 PM

Gone and not coming back... - THE LIVING NEW DEAL
The NFL is a hell of a business. Season ticket-holders at Candlestick Park hoping to receive the same privilege at nascent Levi's Stadium had to disgorge onetime fees of $20,000, $30,000, even $80,000 to then earn the right to pay tens of thousands more for the actual tickets.  

Those tickets cost more than human organs. Even the food at the Niners' new digs comes with Spago prices. There is no longer any amount of money for goods or services tied to this stadium that carries the ability to come as a surprise. 

So, the announcement that it'll cost you $50 to $75 for a standing-room ticket likely didn't raise your heart rate. In a realm of $11 beers, $12 sandwiches, and $6 bottles of tapwater, that may even come off as downright cheap. 

We've come a long way from Kezar Stadium's $5 tickets and Christopher Milk section for kids. And here's how far: 

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