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Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Millennial Problems: When There’s Not an App For That

Posted By on Tue, Mar 1, 2016 at 12:30 PM

  • Esther Vargas/Flickr
It’s easy to cast judgment on someone who openly complains about life, especially one who whines, online. For many who fall prey to this impulse, the nets of scorn are cast wide and lined with sharp hooks.

The complainer is usually young, for which they’re then lambasted for having not fully experienced anything. The person is usually an outsider, for which they are then hung in the public square for being ignorant. And the person is usually living in San Francisco, which is under a microscope at all times because of its beauty, recent economic prosperity, and unique allure.

But what if instead of humiliating these poor souls, we helped them?

If there’s one thing about being a millennial and facing life’s ups and downs, there’s usually an app to make it better. So where’s the app to prevent young adults from popping off in public forums?

There are several options to prevent the most millennial of millennial moves: drunk texting, in which you contact someone while inebriated to say a bunch of regrettable things. One of them is called “Drunk Mode,” presumably for those times when you want to see the bowels of the rabbit hole.

Per its Apple page, Drunk Mode provides millennials with these five wonderful perks:

Stop Drunk Dialing: Our call blocker hides select phone contacts when you want to get drunk so you cannot drunk call these selected friends for up to 12 hours

Find My Drunk: Our friend finder allows you to track your drunk friends via GPS so you don't lose them when you are out partying.

Breadcrumbs: Shows you where you went last night after that crazy party or bar crawl.

Find a Safe Ride Home: quickly find a ride home or walking directions to your friend’s locations

Hotspots – Available in select Cities & Colleges – Find the best parties around you with our heat maps that display in real time how busy an area is and the girl to guy ratio.

Fucking brilliant. This app saves you embarrassment on several key levels, including the most crucial of all, drunk dialing. It also might get you home, to your safe place. And if all else fails because you thought it was a good idea to try all of the bourbon, one of your friends (or the authorities) can locate you with the Find My Drunk feature. (Maybe leave that one on at all times.)

As of this writing, there are more than 1 million Drunk Mode users. There are far more booze hounds not yet on this app, but that number portends success for the anti-drunk-screed app.

Let’s give our face-saving app the working title, “Saving Grace.” And Grace will be the name of the virtual assistant who runs the app. This app will provide a step-by-step guide while you craft your piece and then hopefully throw it away (i.e., delete it) before you make a life-altering mistake.

Think of it in terms of the five stages of grief:

Conviction Scale: Are you ready to do this? It’s bold, it’s daring, it will certainly backfire, and there’s a chance it follows you around forever. (Reminder: Forever is a long time.) If you insist, begin writing, but remember who your audience is: The Internet.

Gaining Momentum: OK, it looks like you’re really fired up. And those points might have some validity, although you’re getting preachy and losing track of your message. It’s evident you’re drifting into the deep end. You want this to be meaningful, right?

Cruise Control: Good edits, let’s stick to what’s important here. You’re bordering on funny, but funny with a good chance of sounding privileged and tone deaf. Don’t be classist, it’s not charming.

Mad As Hell: Whoa there. That’s kinda a dick thing to say. Certainly you don’t feel that way. It’s all the sour beer you’ve been drinking. (Reminder: That stuff is barrel-aged and high in alcohol.) If you post this, you will lose many Facebook friends. You’ll probably want to walk it back, but someone will have screen-grabbed it before you take it down.

Not Taking It Anymore: Now you’re infamous! (Reminder: Infamous is different from famous.) Time to look for a new job, find new friends, and close all your social media accounts. We warned you, but you didn’t listen.

Let’s get some fresh minds in the room for a few speaker sessions then put this into development. Quicker the better. This could change the world, make it better and/or great again. And that’s all a millennial wants to do.
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Max DeNike

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