Get SF Weekly Newsletters

Monday, June 29, 2015

Bronze Statue of Ronald Reagan Is Now Leading Republican Candidate for President

Posted By on Mon, Jun 29, 2015 at 9:25 AM

click to enlarge I_FORBES/FLICKR
  • i_forbes/Flickr
Sacramento, CA — A bronze statue of Ronald Reagan now on display in the California capitol building is getting huge support from Republican voters across the country.

Though the statue has only been on display since late last week, New Hampshire Republican voter Alex Gordon says it has “a much better track record than Marco Rubio, that’s for sure.”

South Carolina Republican block captain Tiffany Spalding agreed, adding that the statue was clearly more compassionate than Mike Huckabee. “You can see it in their eyes,” she said. “Huckabee is dead inside.”

The statue’s gentle bronze hue has garnered favorable comparisons to Rick Perry among the Republican base, and with a price tag of only $350,000 — all of it from private donations — it has a significantly better economic record than Carly Fiorina.

“Honestly, when you consider that a guy had to build the statue, and a couple of other guys had to get hired to move it, the statue of Reagan has probably created more jobs than Fiorina has,” said California Republican Chairman Jim Brulte.

Republicans in the Rust Belt say that the statue, as a product of American manufacturing, can better relate to the problems they’re facing than Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal can, and more Republicans are already aware that the statue exists than are aware that George Pataki does.

“At this point, it’s pretty much a race between the statue and Jeb Bush,” said pollster Scott Rasmussen. “And, frankly, I think it’s the statue’s race to lose."

Rasmussen went on to add, "Bush just doesn’t have the same level of charisma. Also, polling suggests that the statue is more in line with what Republican primary voters are looking for. They are hungry for a president who literally cannot learn from experience. It’s the number one quality they get passionate about.”

Supporters of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, however, are adamant that he is equally capable of ignoring new evidence. “Governor Walker has made all kinds of mistakes that he hasn’t learned from,” said spokesman Peter Trent. “Just ask him about climate change. Go ahead.”

The Walker campaign leveled direct criticism at the statue.

“It’s not actually Ronald Reagan,” Trent said. “It’s just a statue, and I have serious doubts about whether it is actually an American citizen. We’re withholding judgment until we see a birth certificate, or at least a certificate of authenticity.”

Such harsh words were too much for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

“That statue,” said Trump, “is first-rate. Everything about it is top of the line. The very best brass, the very best polish, and it’s made by top statue guys. Just top. World-class. And, of course, it’s a statue of the greatest president this country ever had. A president who makes George Washington look like Omarosa. You remember her, from The Apprentice? Of course you do. You were a huge fan. Just huge. I am blown away by this statue, and am bowing out of the race now in the hope of becoming its running mate.”

The Reagan statue declined to comment. 

  • Pin It

Tags: , , , ,

About The Author

Benjamin Wachs


Showing 1-1 of 1


Comments are closed.

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed

Like us on Facebook


  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"