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Monday, March 30, 2015

Restoration Crews in Dolores Park Find Remains of Ancient, Incredibly Hip, Civilization

Posted By on Mon, Mar 30, 2015 at 12:27 PM

click to enlarge Dolores Park was once a melting pot of hipsters and sex-positive people - FLICKR/TKAMENICK
  • flickr/tkamenick
  • Dolores Park was once a melting pot of hipsters and sex-positive people
Construction of Dolores Park was halted this week after workers found the remains of an ancient civilization of nomadic coffee drinkers underneath the popular Mission District park, according to city officials. 

The evidence, according to UCSF Anthropology Professor Skip Meeks, suggests that this previously undiscovered civilization knew where all the great vegetarian restaurants were located. 

“Some of the artifacts we found are textiles that we believe to have been take-out menus,” Meeks said. “The sophistication of the graphic design is just amazing, and the polenta and pepper tacos were half-off right before what we estimate, based on star charts, to have been the evening rush. We are so impressed. “

Added Meeks “Not even the Aztecs were as innovative in their use of bonuses for frequent customers.”

According to a spokesman for the City Parks Department, the ancient civilization appears to have been very sex-positive and non-judgmental. “From what we can tell they threw these really great parties that only cool people came to,” the Parks Department said in a press release. “And everybody was really experimental and very comfortable with substances.”

According to Meeks, the ancient civilization may have developed cuddle party technology several hundred years before modern relationship counselors, and that their ability to offer massages to complete strangers was more sophisticated than anything still available in portions of the American Midwest.

“Small groups of them would use primitive fixed-wheel vehicles to gather together, have an early version of brunch, compliment each other on their life choices, and then just hang out and see what happens,” Meeks said. “I’m just speculating here, but based on some pottery shards we’ve found, I believe that they also had a lively burlesque scene that was welcoming to all body types.”

While the cause of the ancient civilization’s decline is unclear, according to the city’s press city’s press release, the available evidence suggests that the unnamed inhabitants of Dolores Park were priced out of the area as it became popular with Spanish missionaries, who had nearly unlimited funds provided by the Catholic church.

The press release goes on to quote Mayor Ed Lee saying “The whole scene apparently changed overnight. But God, Dolores Park must have been so cool back then.”

As of press time, the remains of this ancient civilization were being torn down for luxury condominiums. 
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