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Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Company That Believes in Utopian Singularity to Rate Websites on the Basis of Truthfulness

Posted By on Tue, Mar 10, 2015 at 1:31 PM

click to enlarge googlesearch.png
Google, a search company filled with people who believe that individual consciousnesses will be uploaded into virtual reality environments, has announced plans to rate websites on the basis of factual accuracy.

The company, which is famous for using bizarrely complicated interview questions that have no value in the hiring process except to make its managers feel smarter, has said that substituting its judgment for the public's will make search results more accurate —  because its managers are so smart.

Google, which is also infamous for rarely hiring minorities and women, says it sees absolutely no downside to this plan, according to thousands of white male engineers in their 20s.

"For nearly 20 years, Google has maintained that information wants to be free and that gatekeepers were an impediment to human advancement," said Vincent Donaldson, Google's Senior vice president of Smugness. "Now, with what we're tentatively calling 'Google Memory Hole' we're going in a different direction. It's not that we were wrong before, it's just that we can get away with it now."

The new technology is based on approaches originally developed by Joseph Stalin to make inconvenient people disappear from history, but won't be evil since Google is doing it.

Donaldson touted the benefits to society of Google Memory Hole. "Right now a lot of websites that deny climate change on the basis of spurious science get unfortunately high page rankings because people actually want to read them," Donaldson said. "But Google Memory Hole will make the things that people are looking for harder to find, thus making it a better search engine."

Many Google users say they are already reaping the benefits of the new system, which pushes whatever Google engineers believe to the very top.

"I had no idea that transhumanism was so important," said Monica Charles, an accountant in Minneapolis. "But it keeps turning up in my searches now."

Jed Keillor, who works at an Oakland nonprofit, said he'd always thought that Google's actions might be causing Bay Area rents to skyrocket. "But I guess nobody else feels that way. At least, I can't find them."

"Also," he added, "didn't there used to be Hispanics? I could have sworn that was a thing."

"Armed with Google Memory Hole," said Donaldson, "our society can finally focus on the issues that every reasonable person knows we need to address: like fighting climate change, vaccinating children, stopping women before they ruin gaming, and cryogenically freezing the heads of our best engineers to preserve them for an immortal future."

"Bottom line," he said: "why wouldn't you trust the people who brought you Google Glass to know everything? Epistemic closure is underrated." 
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Benjamin Wachs

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