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Thursday, May 1, 2014

Faux Mayor Ed Lee Excited to Break Another Promise to All of You

Posted By on Thu, May 1, 2014 at 7:15 AM

Breaking one promise at a time
  • Breaking one promise at a time

My fellow San Franciscans:

Several years ago the Board of Supervisors, your democratically elected officials, voted by a veto-proof majority to spend $20 million on a municipal power system that would provide clean energy and break PG&E's monopoly on local electricity.

Today, I am pleased announce that I will spend that money on streetlights.

It's not that democracy means nothing to me, it's just that PG&E is charging us an extra $20 million for streetlights this year, so what else can we do? They're a monopoly on local electricity. It's not like we can break them. That would cost almost $20 million dollars. We just don't have that kind of money, and if we did our streetlights would be even more expensive.

There's no choice but to spend the money that was allocated to break the monopoly's hold, on the monopoly's streetlights.The only alternative would be for me to comply with the Board of Supervisors' legally binding directive, which I swore to Willie Brown I would never do.

Willie never forgives someone who breaks a promise to him. The voters of San Francisco, on the other hand, have already proven that that they can't ever remember the promises I made.

Remember how I promised to only be an interim mayor? No? Exactly.

Man that was a fun promise to break. You should have seen the look on David Chiu's face. It was even better than the look on yours right now.

All I'm asking is for the voters of San Francisco to forget about clean and renewable power the way they forget about everything else. You'll do that for me. You can't help yourselves. I can do pretty much anything in this town, as long as I'm not religious.

It's too bad about the environment, and I sure thought democracy sounded like a good idea when Rose Pak explained it to me, but we all have to make sacrifices. Well, you do. But trust me, you'll like these new streetlights: they're just like the old ones, only more expensive. Also, they're made by PG&E, a company that hasn't blown anyone up in months.

I asked "will your new streetlights blow up and kill anyone?" and they said "not in a way we'd admit liability for," which I find very reassuring.

I would suggest we put the streetlights out to competitive bidding, but PG&E won't let me. What can I possibly do? They're a monopoly.

Not on electricity -- on politics.

Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon

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