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Monday, April 14, 2014

Jack Halprin: As a Google Attorney, I Need the Homes of 7 Teachers, and Here's Why

Posted By on Mon, Apr 14, 2014 at 12:57 PM

click to enlarge The real Jack Halprin - LINKEDIN
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By Faux Jack Halprin

There's been a lot of misinformation recently about my decision to buy a seven-unit San Francisco home and evict all the other tenants, including a city school teacher, just so I can have the place to myself.

People are saying it's a bad thing. Somehow they're using Google to spread this lie. It had never before occurred to me that such a thing could happen.

So I need to clear the record: as a Google employee, I need the homes of seven school teachers to survive. It's just a fact of life, like the food chain, or the singularity.

People like me, who are in the tech sector, who are changing the world, simply outrank people like teachers, who can never shape the future. Not when all they have are the primitive brains of children to work with.

Have you seen those things? Most of them can't even play chess, let alone return ranked search results. Trust me when I say this -- I've seen the research -- children are not our future. Designer polymers are. Not only are they smarter, they're easier to trademark.

What I'm trying to say is that, in a free society, some people make better choices than others, and we reward those people with the homes of their vanquished enemies. Some people, for example, choose to be teachers, and spend their lives teaching other people's kids things that they can Google for free. Naturally, we pay them very little money -- so little that they're practically homeless already. Frankly, I'm surprised that anyone even notices when I evict someone making under $150,000 a year. Honestly, how can you tell?

Then there are other people, like me, who make good decisions, becoming important parts of the companies that sponsor TED talks. Naturally, we pay these people what they're worth. Why am I so highly compensated? Well, if I weren't at the office every day, doing the work I do, the government wouldn't be nearly as good at spying on you.

You're welcome.

To continue doing the important work I do every day, I absolutely require the homes of seven teachers -- preferably disabled and minorities. If they've won an award for teaching excellence, or making a difference in their community, that would be particularly sweet.

Without my taking over their homes, how do you expect Google to file patent claims against Apple -- patent claims that are more important to the future of mankind than the work of a thousand homeless teachers? Without my ability to have an extra six bathrooms at my disposal, how could Google possibly lobby city government for the right of its employees to take your homes away?

It couldn't be done. And that means a world where your phone can't sync both your personal and work calendars together. Is that a world you want to live in?

The question you should be asking isn't "Why does he need to evict teachers when he's already got a home here?" It's "Has he evicted enough teachers?"

It's a disturbing question, I know, but don't worry: I won't stop until the answer is "yes." Even if I have to personally throw the last city school teacher into Oakland by hand. Well, actually I wouldn't do it by hand. That's what Uber's for, right?

Don't try to hold me accountable. I have the money. What other possible justification could I need? I Googled it, and didn't find anything.

Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon

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