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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Google in Final Stages of Buying San Francisco Giants, Sources Say

Posted By on Tue, Apr 1, 2014 at 4:37 PM

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The next Google Bus you block may be the San Francisco Giants team bus, per a blockbuster development nearing finalization, sources say. 

The sale price for the Major League franchise is, thus far, undisclosed -- but, we are told, it's in "the high nine digits." A major motivating factor for the long-gestating deal to round third and head home appears to be the team's abandonment of its beloved home run foghorn in favor of an insidious "Yahoo Yodel." 

The Yahoo Yodel "will be a thing of the past in the very near future," says a source closely connected to the deal. "That's going to be change No. 1." 

Change No. 2, the source continued, will be the introduction of a wholly analytics-based evaluation system encompassing everything from Hunter Pence's play in right field to the performance of ushers and stadium security. "Baseball fans should be familiar with the notion of quantifying anything and everything," the source continued. 

Hope so: Your performance as fans will be quantified, too. 

News of the pending sale came as a surprise to team personnel, SF Weekly has learned. But, in order to ease the pangs of transition, every player on the 25-man roster will be given a Google Glass to wear about the clubhouse and stadium environs. 

An oversize Glass for Lou Seal is in the works, the source confirmed. The team bus will be of the double-decker variety -- and self-driving, per approval by local and state authorities. 

What effect this will have on ticket prices is undetermined. What's more certain is that Giants fans will soon be the first in the Major Leagues able to purchase tickets, refreshments, or dugout store paraphernalia via Bitcoin. 

In one last, odd detail SF Weekly is told that fans will also soon be "entertained" once again by much-maligned former team mascot Crazy Crab

This, we are told, was directly mandated by Google co-founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin. The multi-multi-billionaires were 11 years old when the Crab graced Candlestick Park and, per our source, "it's just some sort of weird, nostalgic thing. Sometimes you don't ask questions. You don't want to know." 

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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