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This is just too easy. Can of corn. It's like, some of this stuff, I can just pluck right out of last year's column.
As baseball season kicks off tonight, here are my predictions for 2014:
- Derek Jeter retires as the greatest Yankees shortstop of all time, with a final line of .275/.340/.370, a dozen homers and 60 RBIs, passing Cap Anson on the career hit list with his 3436th.
- Jeter will appear on Saturday Night Live with Donald Trump (or Darrell Hammond).
- In a sit-down with Oprah, Alex Rodriguez will come across better than Lance Armstrong.
- The New York Yankees miss the postseason and at least one Steinbrenner goes berserk, with either Joe Girardi or Brian Cashman exiting by mid-October.
- The Boston Red Sox miss Stephen Drew more than they expected.
- The American League Cy Young Award goes to David Price.
- AL Rookie of the Year: Masahiro Tanaka.
- The American League East will finish this way: Rays, Red Sox (Wild Card), Yankees, Orioles, Jays.
- Several prominent Major Leaguers will miss action, delayed by visa problems.
- "Five-tool player" regains its rightful position as the most overused phrase in baseball, leaving "we all have to be on the same page" in the dust. "Flu-like symptoms," "strained oblique," "anything can happen in a short series," "back in the day," "intestinal fortitude," "chain of custody," "there's no crying in baseball," and "it's only May" round out the top 10.
- Countless players, play-by-play guys, and color commentators will refer to a just-completed contest using the word "tonight," even though it was a day game.
- AL Central: Tigers, Indians, Royals, White Sox, Twins.
- Non-teammates Mike Trout and Bryce Harper are mentioned in the same breath more times than Henry Aaron and Willie Mays ever were.
- A top-five MVP finish for Adrian Beltre, plus another Gold Glove.
- A ballpark in China Basin will be renamed for a telecommunications company.
- Mr. Belt won't be the only fourth-year Giants infielder named Brandon to achieve breakout status this year. Mr. Crawford will follow suit, with across-the-board career highs and an All-Star Game appearance.
- A much-improved San Francisco team gives Los Angeles a run for its money, with Vin Scully beautifully proclaiming "it's the Dodgers and the Giants!" deep into September.
- Brian Wilson shaves his beard.
- Though they are no-hit at least once, the Houston Astros win 60 games for the first time since 2010.
- Anaheim Angels owner Arte Moreno wins fans with his record-setting signing of Mike Trout, only to lose others while bickering publicly over stadium issues as his team flounders in fourth place.
- A nice bounce-back season for Albert Pujols: .300/.350/.475, with 25 homers and 85 RBIs.
- AL West: Rangers, Athletics (Wild Card), Mariners, Angels, Astros.
- Debate over Mike Rizzo's 2012 innings limit for Stephen Strasburg continues, with neither supporters nor detractors being placated. Strasburg just goes out and pitches his way to a top-five Cy Young finish.
- The Atlanta Braves continue to get what they bargained for with Justin Upton. With brother B.J., not so much.
- The Philadelphia Phillies are as old and broken down as the preseason consensus, but still manage to contend for a time, before finishing fourth and below .500.
- Expanded instant replay will justly affect the outcome of some ballgames, but as has been the case since the dawn of Doubleday, managers will continue to get in the faces of umpires in entertaining fashion, a skipper will throw the occasional base, and baseball will survive. As it always has.
- With players confused about what they can and cannot do, the new home plate collision rules will lead to errors in the field and on the bases, with an exponential rise in pickles occurring. A catcher or two will be saved from catastrophic disabling, while an increase in base runner ankle and hamstring injuries stirs new concerns.
- Maintaining his status as the most obnoxious man in baseball, Scott Boras will continue with a show of binders and marketing material, while providing absolutely no information or analysis that clubs can't come up with on their own.
- NL East: Nationals, Braves, Mets, Phillies, Marlins.
- Runaway winners, the St. Louis Cardinals are baseball's first team to clinch.
- Matt (don't-call-me-Scott) Carpenter will come back to earth.
- NL Rookie of the Year: Billy Hamilton.
- Pete Rose will be in our face during Hall of Fame weekend, while defenders compare his gambling sins to the drug use of others in the run-up to next year's Cooperstown announcement.
- A prominent player will test positive for performance-enhancing drugs.
- Bud Selig resists the calls for another contract extension, and retires.
- These players will miss significant chunks of playing time due to injury: Carlos Beltran, Jacoby Ellsbury, Cole Hamels, Josh Hamilton, Josh Johnson, Matt Kemp, Brandon McCarthy, Jake Peavy, Jose Reyes, Grady Sizemore, Huston Street, Troy Tulowitzski, Chase Utley, Jayson Werth, and David Wright.
- These men will play through an array of injuries and ailments to appear in 155-plus games. Billy Butler, Miguel Cabrera, Robinson Cano, Starlin Castro, Prince Fielder, Adrian Gonzalez, Adam Jones, James Loney, Andrew McCutchen, Hunter Pence, Alexei Ramirez, and Ben Zobrist.
- NL Central: Cardinals, Brewers (Wild Card), Pirates, Reds, Cubs.
- Team predicted most likely to contend that doesn't: the San Diego Padres.
- Paul Goldschmidt will be pitched to more often than can possibly be appropriate.
- Baseball's first manager to be fired will be Kirk Gibson. Additional managers cut loose include Ron Gardenhire, Mike Redmond, Walt Weiss, and Ned Yost.
- Millions hold their breath every time Dee Gordon strays too far into right field than can be healthy, with Yasiel Puig charging in.
- Neither superhuman numbers nor a sophomore jinx for Puig; just a solid line around .285/.375/.485, with improved defense, which was better than he was given credit for to begin with.
- The Dodgers trade for a second baseman.
- If Hanley Ramirez requires a disabled list stint in the early going, Alex Guerrero gets the first call to fill in for him.
- Clayton Kershaw's earned run average balloons to 2.75 as he wins his third Cy Young Award in four seasons. Leads NL pitchers in sacrifices; wins a Gold Glove too. Kershaw's greatest mark is made in the postseason, however, as all comparisons to Sandy Koufax are deemed not just on the table, but welcome, fair, and very much appropriate.
- NL West: Dodgers, Giants (Wild Card), Dbacks, Padres, Rockies.
Remember, glove conquers all....
Howard Cole is a sports writer for LA Weekly Please follow him on Twitter @Howard_Cole
