Get SF Weekly Newsletters

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Johnny Depp's Diamonds Cure Bisexuality, and Other Breaking News

Posted By on Wed, Jan 29, 2014 at 10:00 AM


For years now, or at least since Tila Tequila got her own reality show, doctors, scientists, and concerned citizens have been searching in vain for a cure for the red-headed stepchild of sexual orientations: bisexuality.

Like swine flu or those creepy toe-shoes, bisexuality is a dangerous pestilence upon our nation, not just for those who frequent OkCupid, and must be stopped! Turns out, we didn't need to look any further than Johnny Depp's deep dimples pockets to solve this crisis, at least according to a Guardian Liberty Voice article titled "Johnny Depp Has Found the Cure for Amber Heard's Bisexuality, Diamonds."

The article, which has since been removed, but whose URL gets the point across fine, claimed that Depp's fiancee, out bisexual Amber Heard, renounced her homo tendencies because Depp decided to put a ring on it. Word is out on whether Depp's diamonds also cure polio, bunions, and the clap, but early research appears optimistic. Depp also purportedly purchased a horse for Heard, but everyone knows that Mr. Ed can never compare to Mr. Jared, if you know what we mean. The author put it more bluntly: "It took more than a horse to bring this Southern beauty back to heterosexuality."

In addition to removing the flagrantly ridiculous piece, it should be noted that the Guardian Liberty Voice's publisher, DiMarkco Chandler, has since issued an apology, saying: "We apologize to Johnny Depp, to Amber Heard, and to anyone who may have been offended by this sensationalized attempt to garner eyeballs." And that "Our hearts and prayers go out" to those who were offended, which is a bit overkill-y, in our opinion, but since we're stuck with our dreaded bisexuality for the foreseeable future, we guess we'll take it.

In other news, Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, Mary Lambert, Queen Latifah, and Madonna married 33 real-life couples, many who were LGBT, on stage at the Grammy's on Sunday. To say thank you for the sweet gesture, someone dredged up a tweet from Macklemore in 2009 where he said a charity baseball game, called Dykes vs Drag Queens, "sucked."

Now some folks are calling the "Same Love" gay anthem rapper a homophobe, an "industry plant faggot," and other colorful epithets. We're all for calling out bigots, (Hello, weird bakeries!), but we think this "scandal" has been blown way out of proportion, and that the insult-slinging should happen Mackle-no-more.

As the Washington Post notes:

Of Macklemore's 15,510 tweets, fewer than two dozen ever use the word "gay." They are almost exclusively about gay marriage. (In November 2011, Macklemore tweeted to a fellow musician that he unfollowed him because "you still say 'gay' on Twitter ... as in 'that was gay.'")

In other non-news, Coca-Cola has apologized for denying you your freedom to write "gay" on the side of a Coke can on the Internet. It has taken down the social media gimmick, saying:

"We are aware that the Share A Coke promotion we are running in South Africa has generated an unintended outcome. We apologise for any offense caused. 
The Share a Coke program was created to allow consumers to take the iconic "Coca-Cola" script and replace it with their name on the can. 
In South Africa, the digital version of the Share a Coke promotion did not properly limit the customisation to individuals' names. We've taken down the site and are in the process of revising the digital tool immediately.
click to enlarge AMERICABLOG

To end this week on a gay note, The Gay Women Channel on YouTube proves once again that lesbians can be hilarious, and we don't just mean in the Tevas-with-socks sense. Our favorite video is probably Gay Women Will Marry Your Boyfriends, a parody response to those against same sex marriage. And the lesbian version of an Axe Bodyspray commercial is also top shelf.

We accidentally sprayed Axe on our hair once and spent the next 16 hours making out with ourselves, so, you know, we relate.

Follow @annapulley on Twitter. She'll tweet you right.

  • Pin It

About The Author

Anna Pulley


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed

Like us on Facebook


  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"