Get SF Weekly Newsletters

Monday, December 23, 2013

San Francisco Evangelist Uses Bible to Predict Harold Camping's Death

Posted By on Mon, Dec 23, 2013 at 1:00 PM

click to enlarge Four Evangelists sitting around cracking the code. - FLICKR/SLICES OF LIGHT
  • Flickr/slices of light
  • Four Evangelists sitting around cracking the code.

By Faux S.F. Evangelist

Good news, friends and believers. God has given us yet another sign of his grace and infallibility. Though it may seem miraculous, I was able to use the Bible to predict the exact date of Harold Camping's death.

The Good Book has always been a source of wisdom and comfort to everyone without a foreskin, and this is just one more example of how we can be guided in every aspect of life by its teachings.

I just wish Harold could be alive to see this. It's a vindication of everything he believed in.

Of course, you're wondering how I did it. I'd like to tell you, but I'm not going to reveal the formula openly, lest the Gay Agenda use it to discover new sexual positions.

(As anyone who's studied Biblical sexuality knows, there are only two Godly positions: missionary and "The Sampson.")

But I will explain, in general terms, how it works, so that you can verify my calculations, since we all know that rigor is at the heart of Bible study.

The system involves finding the relevant chapter of the Bible and dividing the number of miracles in it by the number of apostles, multiplying it by three (because of the trinity), subtracting the number of abortions performed by gay doctors in California today (FOX news has a ticker), and the adding the number of holy people in back in the original Bible chapter you consulted.

Then ... and this is where Harold went so terribly wrong ... divide it by the number of King Solomon's slaves subtracted from the number of his wives. It's a pretty elementary procedure at that point: You can see why Harold would have divided it by the number of the beast, but, come on -- that's not rational at all.

And those Princeton Evangelicals who are trying to calculate the number of Philistines castrated and plug that into the equation? That's absurd! Where do they get this stuff? Do they just pull it out of their butts? (Excuse my language.)

Now that we've finally cracked the Bible code, we have an incredible view of the future -- and let me tell you that the road to Armageddon is paved with conservative victories. We'll have a lot of chances to say "I told you so" before the world goes up in flames. Here are just some of the things I now know we can look forward to:

The name of the devil is actually "Bitcoin."

Ted Cruz will be the first Christian on Mars.

Hillary Clinton will be president in 2016, but only for 40 days and 40 nights.

"Conversion Therapy" for gays will be accepted by health insurance companies once we call it "neuro-conversion therapy."

Richard Dawkins has been faking his results. In 2018, he'll admit there is no human genome.

Jesus is a vegan. Hey, I don't like it either, but the numbers don't lie.

And, of course, I've used the Bible code to find out all kinds of amazing things about my own life, and what's in store for me.

I completely understand if you want to use this remarkable new breakthrough to discover what the Bible reveals about your destiny, so I've created a start-up: 123Bible-and-me, to help. Just go to our website and use our fast and secure Biblical interface to ask your question and give me the relevant information about your spiritual life and the state of your soul. We'll get back to you within just three weeks, with all the answers the Good Book has to give.

We accept all major forms of credit cards, along with PayPal and Google Wallet, because God does not discriminate amongst his children.

Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon.


  • Pin It

About The Author

Benjamin Wachs

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed

Like us on Facebook

Slideshows

  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"