Get SF Weekly Newsletters

Monday, December 2, 2013

Vernon Davis: News of 49er Being Tackled By His Penis Reaches Australia

Posted By on Mon, Dec 2, 2013 at 8:11 AM

In the past few years, it has become harder and harder to deny the connection between the violent nature of football and its participants' sadly youthful decline into Wheatena-eating invalids.

And yet, yesterday's 49ers victory introduced us to a reason to be thankful for future football-related memory loss. Namely, the ghastly spectacle of San Francisco 49ers star tight end Vernon Davis being hauled down, blatantly, by his genitalia.

News of the unorthodox tackle has spread far and wide -- and led to many awful puns. Perhaps the best/worst pun, and furthest dissemination of the incident (that was also a pun) hails from Australia, where the headline to a Herald Sun piece reads: "San Francisco 49ers tight end Vernon Davis left wincing after tackle gets tackled."

See Also: Vernon Davis Drafted for IPO

That's a humbling pun the Australians have crafted, but the opportunity for cheap humor at Davis' expense is a transcontinental experience. So, here's our go.

Davis recently agreed to forego 10 percent of his future "brand income" in exchange for a $4 million lump sum from the tech startup Fantex; shares will be sold in an actual Vernon Davis IPO, which will determine the pass-catcher's net worth.

Wait for it, wait for it ...

Vernon Davis just lost 10 percent of his "net worth" right there.

And, finally, Australians watching the above clip of Davis' unfortunate afternoon might well be induced to state "That's not a tackle -- that's a tackle:"

  • Pin It

About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed

Like us on Facebook


  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"