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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Homo for the Holidays: How to Alienate and Offend Pretty Much Everyone This Season

Posted By on Wed, Nov 20, 2013 at 7:00 AM


The Cheney family is back in the news again (No, Dick didn't shoot anyone). His daughter Liz Cheney is challenging Sen. Mike Enzi in the Wyoming Republican primary next year, and she's losing big time, partially due to a series of outside attack ads that claim she's soft on gay rights.

Wyoming, on the other hand, is hard on gay rights (so hard!). The state already prohibits gay marriage, and many attempts to include LGBTs in its anti-discrimination laws have

failed. In response to the attack ads, Liz did what anyone with an out lesbian sister (Mary) would do: She went on Fox News and heartlessly disowned her.  

"Listen, I love Mary very much. I love her family very much," Liz said. "This is just an issue on which we disagree."

Mary then, like any rational adult with a high public profile would do, took it to Facebook, saying: "Liz - this isn't just an issue on which we disagree - you're just wrong - and on the wrong side of history." Mary's wife, Heather Poe, also posted a Facebook status expressing her disappointment in Liz's statement supporting traditional marriage:

"Liz has been a guest in our home, has spent time and shared holidays with our children, and when Mary and I got married in 2012 - she didn't hesitate to tell us how happy she was for us."

Social media squabbling aside, Liz sure has dug herself a deep glory hole this time. It's difficult to run on a "family values" campaign while also throwing her sister under the bus, especially over a primary bid she's most certain to lose. Even Dick began to support gay marriage after he left the White House. And if Dick can think outside your box, then anything is theoretically possible.

This news story raises important, awkward questions about how to navigate the holidays with those whose beliefs differ wildly from your own, for which we offer the following tips to ensure that eggnog is thrown in everyone's face:

1. Go on national television and disown any or all of your immediate family members.

2. Talk about politics at every available opportunity. If there's a lull, show the aborted fetus slideshow you made, and/or perform the play you wrote about oppressed vegan witches.

3. Air your most private and negative family feelings on Facebook.

4. Buy Hallmark's gay-censored ornament for the liberals, and The Daily Show's edited one for conservatives.

5. Get obnoxiously drunk every day, starting at 10 a.m.

6. Ask all non-married people why they are still single.

7. Ask all married people if they've stopped having sex yet.

8. Refuse to leave the house in anything other than a penguin-decorated Snuggie.

Or, better yet, do none of that, and instead get your relatives one of those gold, tree-shaped Ferrero Rocher chocolate ball towers. Nothing says, "happy holidays" like balls in your face.

Follow @annapulley on Twitter. She'll tweet you right.

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Anna Pulley


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