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Monday, November 18, 2013

Psych! BART Workers Totally Thought They Had a Contract

Posted By on Mon, Nov 18, 2013 at 10:45 AM

click to enlarge Suckas! - FOG CITY JOURNAL/LUKE THOMAS
  • Fog City Journal/Luke Thomas
  • Suckas!

By Faux Tom Radulovich, Director of BART

Bro, you should totally see the look on your face! It's like ... if I knew how to do a Vine, I'd be recording this right now.

We were all "Yes, this contract appears to be in working order, negotiated in good faith," and you were all "our membership has ratified it in due accordance with our legal obligation," and we were all "Well then, we'll just sign it ... right ..."

And then I wanted to squirt you in the face with a squirting pen. I did. But I got voted down by the rest of the board, so instead we're just going to reject it.

Did you think seriously we'd pay for our workers' family and medical leave? Did you? Brah, does that sound like us?

The clues to this prank were all there, dude, you just didn't see them because you wanted to have a job. Gets you every time.

This is fucking hilarious. This is the Saturday Night Live of contract spoofs. "Paid family and medical leave," I can't believe you fell for it.

It just wouldn't be as funny if your livelihood weren't on the line.

But yeah, we're taking that out. So what you need to do is go back to your membership and have them vote on the exact same contract, only without paid family and medical leave. Go ahead and do that. Just tell them management's decided they don't get to have it.

Oh, and smell this flower in my buttonhole. Doesn't it look aromatic? Go ahead and smell it. It'll be fun.

No? Okay, you're loss. Hey, how about some peanut brittle? I've got a can right here.

Not hungry? How can you not be hungry? It's tasty, delicious, peanut brittle.

You can't be mad. After a year of brutal contract negotiations, we decided to have some fun with the process, that's all. Who can blame us? Aren't you tired of arguing over who gets paid what, and whether you can afford to have a family member get sick? And how we killed two workers with a train? I'm so over this shit. So instead we've decided to take a video of me hitting you in the groin with a football.

Oh, and the part about how you're protected from being fired without cause? We're thinking of taking that part out, too. But don't tell anyone. We're waiting for just the right moment to spring it on everybody.

It'll be hilarious, and probably delay the contract by, like, another month. That's okay -- it's not like anybody cares.

Benjamin Wachs is a literary chameleon


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Benjamin Wachs

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