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Friday, October 11, 2013

Will there Be More Semen in the Mission than Usual Tonight? Sort of.

Posted By on Fri, Oct 11, 2013 at 2:59 PM

Coming to a street near you...
  • Coming to a street near you...

The latest skirmish in the gentrification wars reached its climax last night, when upscale haberdashery Jack Spade capitulated before the onslaught of peeved Mission activists, opting to throw in the towel and pull out of its planned location at 3166 16th Street.

SF Weekly had heard, however, that one motivating factor was a planned onsite protest tonight by masturbating anti-gentrifiers, intent on "washing away" the well-dressed invaders in a wave of effluvia.

Since this is a Chicken John Rinaldi-organized effort, two things are clear: A. It's going to be cleverer than you'd expect, and; B. You're a goddamn sucker if you take the threats at face value (as Jack Spade honchos may have).

Will there be more semen than usual in the Mission tonight? Well, it is Friday. Who's to say? But, Rinaldi promises, they'll be plenty more seamen.

Yes. It's a pun.

You might recall how Rinaldi's 2011 Dolores Park "Puke-In" didn't involve any puke (Rinaldi notes that he "cornered the market" in fake vomit, obtaining so

much that prices skyrocketed regionally. Well, that sounds like

something to mention in the first paragraph of an obituary).

As such, tonight's "Jack Off 16th Street" won't (ostensibly) involve public onanism.

Folks dressed as Donald Duck will inundate the area. There'll be sea chanties. It'll be at 8 p.m. Bring the kids -- but if someone under 18 witnesses anyone fondling their engorged genitalia, that'd be a potential felony and could land the miscreant on a sex offender registry.

This would not be a satisfactory start to the weekend.

Rinaldi states that, even though Jack Spade has been bested, tonight's "protest" will serve as "a warning to all chain stores everywhere."

And indeed it shall. Faux vomit- and semen-themed protests may be in the books. But Rinaldi still has shit, piss, farts, blood, bile, and snot in his bodily bandolier of anti-gentrification activities.

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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