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Friday, April 5, 2013

Kamala Harris: Is She Really the Nation's Foxiest AG?

Posted By on Fri, Apr 5, 2013 at 12:45 PM

click to enlarge Va-va-va-voom!
  • Va-va-va-voom!

President Obama yesterday calling out Kamala Harris as, "by far, the best-looking Attorney General," was, unquestionably, an odd moment. It was a clunky thing to do for a man with strong reputations as both an egalitarian and a glib orator; it'd be akin to watching Richard Petty driving slowly in the left lane with his blinker signal on.

Obama's Construction Worker-in-Chief turn certainly provided much fodder to various denizens of the Internet. But, lost in the back-and-forth was a perplexing question -- is Harris the best-looking AG in the realm, let alone "by far"?

Well, to borrow a phrase from another president, that all depends on what the meaning of is is.

In order to settle this matter, we gazed upon the countenances of every last AG in the nation.

Pam Bondi serves the people
  • Pam Bondi serves the people

And, we feel safe in stating that, on this important policy, we disagree with the president. Whether Harris is the best-looking AG is up for debate. But she is, by no means, "by far" the best-looking. Here's our breakdown:

Going over our notes sizing up the 50 Attorneys General in the States and six representing the territories, the term "old white man with grey hair" or similar permutations ("bald," "balding" "grey, balding") comes up 26 times. Only nine AGs are women, and, it would appear that no male stateside AGs are members of a minority group.* Other amusing notes include: "Beefy with astronaut haircut"; "matronly"; "looks like something that fell off Mount Rushmore"; "looks like Ray Bolger"; "Looks like George Mikan"; and "looks like Henry Clay."

click to enlarge You go, Beau!
  • You go, Beau!
Perhaps not surprisingly for an elective office (in 43 states -- and Guam!), most AGs are either easy on the eyes or not hard on the eyes. But there are standouts:

Florida's Pam Bondi: What if Tara Reid grew up and became a Republican lawyer? And, oddly, served guests on a private flight to her lavish Cayman Islands non-wedding?

Delaware's Beau Biden: The veep's son and an army vet, Biden stands out from his AG colleagues (and his dad) by having his own hair.

click to enlarge The horse counselor
  • The horse counselor
Kentucky's Jack Conway: He has a lantern jaw, dimples, a business interest in the horse-racing world (natch), and likes standing in front of books.

Nebraska's John Bruning: Now, is it just us, or does Bruning look a little bit like Tom Hanks? And what would it look like if Hanks and Tara Reid were both Attorneys General? A bit like this! (see photo No. 3).

click to enlarge Lawyerin' is like a box of chocolates...
  • Lawyerin' is like a box of chocolates...

Not windy that day...
  • Not windy that day...
Nevada's Catherine Cortez Masto is a striking woman. The Internet, however, can be cruel. Evidence has been amassed here, here, and here of bad hair days giving her an eerie resemblance to Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood. The only other functioning politician we can think of with this level of coiffure-related troubles is San Francisco's own George Gascón.

Hello, Scranton!
  • Hello, Scranton!
Pennsylvania's Kathleen Kane was born in the Bidens' hometown of Scranton and bears more than a passing resemblance to actress Lauren Graham of Gillmore Girls fame. One of these is an unambiguously good thing.

click to enlarge South Dakota proud
  • South Dakota proud
South Dakota's Marty Jackley looks a bit like a ferret. We haven't passed the bar, but trying a case against a ferret doesn't sound especially pleasant. Ferrets, incidentally, are apparently legal in South Dakota -- and even indigenous. In fact, they're making a comeback! Go ferrets!

*It has come to our attention that Hawaii's AG, David Louie, is most certainly a member of a minority group. In our notes, we marked down that he was born and raised in Oakland and graduated from U.C. Berkeley's Boalt Hall School of Law -- and we even noted that he has black hair. But we neglected to remind ourselves that he's Asian. Alas.

No Attorneys General were harmed in the making of this article.

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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