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Friday, May 4, 2012

Sixty Ways to Celebrate Mayor Ed Lee's 60th Birthday

Posted By on Fri, May 4, 2012 at 3:59 PM

click to enlarge What's in the cards for Ed Lee's 60th? - JIM HERD
  • Jim Herd
  • What's in the cards for Ed Lee's 60th?

Tomorrow is Mayor Ed Lee's 60th birthday. And, in lieu of a politician's traditional birthday celebration -- a cake, served discreetly in an envelope left beneath the table -- Lee's staff has come up with a novel concept. They have created a website listing 60 things you and I can do to help Lee help San Francisco on his 60th.

These suggestions vary widely in both altruism and quality; the common denominator is the number 60. Among the things you and I can do: "Spend 60 minutes every week to mentor a young person;" "Donate $60 to any of the City's Give2SF organizations;" or "Meet 60 sailors competing in the America's Cup." (That last one is ludicrous -- the way things are going for the Cup, that may be every last sailor).

In any event, Team Lee has its own idea of 60 things you can do to help the mayor. Here are ours:

60. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!
59. Buy your Guy Fawkes mask or bandana at a locally owned store;
58. Grow atrocious facial hair so Lee can take credit for starting a trend;
57. Leave wonky, boring, polite comments on his wonky, boring, polite Examiner columns;
56. Be sure to videotape yourself when you commit official misconduct;

55. Try to defecate on the streets 60 percent less;
54. Eat yer goddamn poongaloong!
53. Find kindlier way to describe Lee's visage than "shit-eating grin";
52. Do something productive with the 1,400 copies of The Ed Lee Story cluttering your neighborhood's storm drains;
click to enlarge Can you fix this? Pretty please? - JIM HERD
  • Jim Herd
  • Can you fix this? Pretty please?
53. Stab 60 percent fewer people on Muni;
52. Stop directing Pier 39-seeking tourists into the Tenderloin;
51. Make your political donations in cash;
50. At least for this one day, don't remind Lee how much he resembles the Angry Birds piggie;
49. Shield young civics students from learning how San Francisco government really works;
48. Start up 60 new commissions;
47. Learn to say "back door!" and "step down!" in 60 new languages;
46. Stop making assumptions about people just because they're toting around a goddamn yoga mat in the middle of the day;
45. Get rich or die tryin' -- or move to Oakland; 
44. Pledge you're going to do something for Ed -- and then change your mind;
43. Move into David Chiu's district and run against him;
42. Move into David Chiu's building and play loud music;
41. Move into the apartment above David Chiu and take up flamenco dancing; 
40. Haunt Chris Daly;
39. Dress up like Aaron Peskin and head out on a three-state crime spree so Willie Brown will have something to write about;
38. Screw subtlety -- make all mayorally appointed commissioners sit atop trapdoors;
37. Make it worth Ed's while to come up with some kind of new tax break to name after your trite tech company;
36. You know what would be nice? Ed Lee motoring around City Hall on a Segway. Make this happen;
35. Pretend putting a stadium on Piers 30-32 isn't the most ridiculous idea you've ever heard;
34. If you're a member of a special interest group, don't know anything about how the city works, and are highly suggestible, please call up the mayor's appointments secretary and get yourself on a commission!
33. Come up with a suitable, birthday-related verb that fits the template BLANK, Ed, BLANK!
32. Age, Ed, Age!
31. You know what would be nice? A garden gnome in front of City Hall that resembles Ed Lee. Make this happen;
30. Can Jane Kim sing Happy Birthday Mr. Mayor?
29. Ed Lee bobblehead. Always nodding, always smiling. People would buy one. Hell, they voted for one; 
28. Be a gent and pay for your neighbor -- when you're stuck with Sunday meters in residential neighborhoods.
27. Make sure to wish Mayor Lee happy birthday during public comment before you spend two minutes talking about various conspiracy theories (only some of which involve the public library);
26. On Ed Lee's birthday, Bevan Dufty calls him up to say "thank you." Just like every other day;
click to enlarge Unexpected for whom?
  • Unexpected for whom?
25. Look, the man is turning 60. His official mayoral vehicle ought to be a Jaguar. A hybrid Jaguar;
24. Maintaining City Hall is expensive. Have you heard about the Adopt-a-Toilet program?
23. Can you help solve San Francisco's problems? Well, don't -- things are working out just fine for the right people;
22. Next year, let's have two Chinese New Years;
21. Carpool -- take three or four bums, junkies, and crooks down to the future 49ers home in Santa Clara and leave them there;
20. That's it -- Occupy Santa Clara. They took the Red and Gold -- now they can have the Black Bloc.
19. Any barista or waiter who was stiffed on a tip by Ross Mirkarimi should contact the mayor's office immediately -- city attorneys have ruled that this, too, constitutes misconduct;
18. Cure prison overcrowding by reading inmates Lee's speeches;
17. Get your supervisor to submit this question to "mayor's question time": Mayor Lee -- if you were up to your neck in a pile of shit and someone hurled a bucket of vomit at you ... would you duck?
16. Get Mayor Lee a Giants cap that doesn't look ridiculous, please. You'd think he's getting his hat-related advice from Heather Fong. A Willie Brown apparatchik should know better;
15. Put some kind of drug into the water system that will cause people to go crazy -- crazy for the America's Cup!
14. You know that guy who plays the violin at Civic Center -- but he just jerks the bow back and forth and makes horrible noise? Send him to Santa Clara, too.
13. Poongaloong in a bread bowl? Don't mind if we do;
12. Spray Febreze everywhere. I mean everywhere!
click to enlarge Break out the pointy hats...
  • Break out the pointy hats...
11. Stop thinking so much and just listen to what the people with the placards say;
10. Sixty ain't young -- but it's hardly old these days. Willie Brown is 78. When Ed Lee is 78, Willie will be 96 -- and he'll still be telling Ed what to do.
 9. Ed Lee was born on May 5 -- Cinco de Mayo. A rare double play: Celebrate the holiday commemorating an event no one knows anything about while celebrating the birthday of the man no one really knows anything about, either.
 8. You know what would be nice? Chia-Ed Lee. Ch-ch-ch-make it happen; 
 7. Don't talk about Fight Club;
 6. Treat Ed Lee the way he treats his friend Jean Quan -- try to steal his stuff;
 5. Give the mayor his weight in guacamole -- which is probably about two medium-sized vats;
 4. Tell the mayor that, even in his San Francisco, even a lowly prole like you could afford to buy land. You keep it in your pocket wherever you go;
 3. A signed picture of Gavin Newsom!
 2. Put the city's last dollar in a frame;
 1. Whatever you're about to do, stop for a moment and think: "How does this help our town's shadowy power brokers?"

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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