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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Ugly Thanksgiving Sweaters: Tonight Is Your Last Chance to Find Them on eBay

Posted By on Wed, Nov 23, 2011 at 3:55 PM

Garland detachable.
  • Garland detachable.

The hours until Thanksgiving morning are nearing, and soon you will awaken to the smell of turkey and stuffing wafting through a house chock-full of relatives and the sound of football droning from the television. You'll hop out of bed and reach for that one perfect Turkey Day sweater. Wait -- nooooo! You forgot to order your Thanksgiving sweater?

Get on eBay now, folks, and find the last-minute offerings, starting with this insanity to our left -- a multi-use holiday "Singing Turkey" sweater. It features an entire stuffed turkey on the right side that plays music. And if that's not enough to seal the deal, come Dec. 25, you can wear this garment again, since it also has Santa on the left with his Christmas bell.

Oh no, you didn't ... an entire Butterball Turkey formed out of sequins, only available in size 3X? Warning: The petroleum used to make this bird could have fueled your car to get to your aunt's house. Way to power America's dependence on the Middle East. That doesn't make us thankful at all. 

A sweater for an entire season -- or two!
  • A sweater for an entire season -- or two!

Another thing about Americans, other than liking sweaters that play music and sponsor oil-fueled wars, is we like multi-purpose objects. Below, is a sweater with commitment issues. It's not enough to just be a Thanksgiving sweater with the requisite creepy turkey. It had to include some books for September, a scarecrow for October, and a snowman for December. The good news: This sweater won't go out of style for roughly four months. The bad news: it was never in style to begin with.
A sweater for an entire season -- or two!
  • A sweater for an entire season -- or two!

In the beginning of this fine nation -- long before anyone had conceived of a sequin turkey sweater -- our land was populated by indigenous Americans living free of unnecessary ugly garments. And then arrived three ominous ships -- the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria -- from which stepped an army of mutant teddy bears dressed in pilgrim costumes. Actually,  they were pilgrim costumes with bowler hats. For kicks. While these new arrivals claimed that they were harmless -- they were just teddy bears, after all -- the Native Americans were not fooled by these strange creatures bearing pumpkins of peace. They knew this country would only get worse from here. And so a nation of kitsch was born.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pilgrim hats = animal cruelty.
  • Pilgrim hats = animal cruelty.

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Lauren Smiley


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