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Friday, September 9, 2011

An Open Letter to Anonymous ... From Anonymous

Posted By on Fri, Sep 9, 2011 at 7:40 AM

click to enlarge It's that guy again
  • It's that guy again

Dear Anonymous:

We bow to your power and wisdom. You have the technical prowess to bring down the mighty. You are the true leaders of the world.

You have been running a campaign against our public transportation system, BART, for weeks now, asking for some of its leaders to be fired and its police to be publicly humiliated because a former member of its force shot a homeless guy with a knife. 

Thank you! We hear your words about accountability, but we have learned more from your actions, like forcing the most crowded stations to close so nobody can go home. You have shown us that public transportation is a horrible idea, rife with homeless people with knives, as well as police, who are beneath contempt.

We have heard you loud and clear. From now on, we will drive everywhere. We used to worry about gridlock, but you have taught us that that is your goal.

We do have a question, which we ask with quavering voice. What about increased pollution? Is this a goal, or merely a side benefit? Because if you want us to, we're willing to idle our cars for hours. Just say the word.

We'll do anything to appease you so

that you won't hack our site, ruin us financially, and post our college-drinking pictures around the world. Please, Anonymous. We know we've been bad, but we promise we'll never commute beside our neighbors again.We never really liked BART anyway. And we have had our eye on a used Hummer. Do you think we'd look sharp driving that down Market Street?

Anything for you.

Sincerely yours,


(Er, you're omnipotent, so

you know who we are, and you know our passwords too. May we please clean

your shoes with our tongues?)

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W. Blake Gray


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