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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Five Things to Do Before the Rapture

Posted By on Wed, May 18, 2011 at 3:50 PM

click to enlarge Dance like nobody's watching
  • Dance like nobody's watching

Contrary to popular belief, we're not all about drumming up bad news. But when we interviewed the notorious Harold Camping, who claims the world will end on May 21, we, as well as many other media outlets, couldn't resist running with it.

Apparently businesses are capitalizing on the impending doom as well. San Francisco's Photoworks, a local printing shop, for instance, is offering a "Rapture discount," encouraging you to hurry up and get your damn photos printed. If anything, they would leave more evidence that we were here. (The offer "ends" on Saturday, May 21, for obvious reasons.)

But the e-mail from Photoworks got us thinking: What should we, as responsible journalists, advise our readers to do before Judgment Day arrives?

1. Tell jam bands to hurry the fuck up: Yes, we have enjoyed your music mastery and, at times, we've been known to get lost in the boundless improvisation. But that was then and this is now -- and frankly, we don't have time for that kind of musical commitment anymore.

2. Partially fill your Clipper card: Just put enough money on there to get you to the rapture party in Oakland this weekend -- and back!

3. Vote for Harold Miller for Mayor: Judgment Day just might be the only chance this losing candidate can garner enough votes to be elected San Francisco mayor.  But let's assume the world doesn't end on May 21. At least you have a mayor who has vowed to "get homeless people to stop ***ing" in our doorways and force Asians to finally look blacks in the eye.
4.Have gay sex, even if you don't really want to. After

all, that is one of the reasons the world is coming to an end.

5. Call Harold Camping on speakerphone at midnight on May 22 to thank him for giving us all a reason to keep on living. 

Follow us on Twitter at @TheSnitchSF and @SFWeekly.

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About The Author

Erin Sherbert

Erin Sherbert

Erin Sherbert was the Online News Editor for SF Weekly from 2010 to 2015. She's a Texas native and has a closet full of cowboy boots to prove it.


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