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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Top 10 Closeted Conservatives of All Time

Posted By on Wed, Sep 1, 2010 at 11:11 AM

click to enlarge Ken Mehlman has had plenty of dancing partners at the hypocrisy party
  • Ken Mehlman has had plenty of dancing partners at the hypocrisy party
When Ken Mehlman crawled out of the closet last week he dragged a legion of filthy dust bunnies along  with him. For years, Mehlman was the mouthpiece -- and brain trust -- of the political party that built its reputation around the defamation and marginalization of LGBT Americans.

Mehlman's announcement got us thinking about how many right-wingers turn out to be gay. It's almost like watching the magic mirror segment on Romper Room. One name after another after another of Kenny's conservative fellows have tumbled out of the closet. 

Here's a list of the most scandalous hetero-cum-homo revelations we could think of:

10) California state Sen. Roy Ashburn. The pseudoheroic baton of homo honesty was passed to Mehlman last week from Ashburn, his reluctant predecessor. Unlike Mehlman, Ashburn didn't discover the courage to be honest until after being arrested for drunk driving following Latino drag night at a gay bar in Sacramento. Similar to Kenny, Ashburn has a strong record of acting against the interests of his fellow gays.

click to enlarge Hey, Larry Craig ain't gay. He just has a 'wide stance.' - HTTP://WWW.WORLDSSTRANGEST.COM
  • Hey, Larry Craig ain't gay. He just has a 'wide stance.'
9) Former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig. Craig was arrested for soliciting a penis pacifier from an undercover cop in an airport bathroom in Minnesota. Craig still clings to his heterosexuality even though he pleaded guilty to the charge of soliciting sex from a police officer. He famously said, "I am not gay" and no one really believes him. 

8) The Rev. Ted Haggard
. Haggard was forced to resign from his evangelical ministry after it was revealed that he had a sexual relationship with a male massage therapist for three years (and used a little crystal meth with him, too). Ted's admission of his man-on-man action is somewhat unique because he now says he has been fixed and no longer has homo urges. His wife must be thrilled.

7) George Rekers. The self-proclaimed expert on homosexuality -- as well as a founder of the Christian ultra-conservative Family Research Council -- was caught traveling with a young male escort he hired to act as his luggage-lifting companion. The escort, Lucien, admitted to doing much more than lifting luggage. Rekers, like Larry Craig, still denies accusations of lusting for the scent of a scrotum on a hot day. Although George likes to think of himself not only as straight, but also as being just like Jesus!

6) Rep. Mark Foley. Foley, a six-term Congressman from Florida was caught sending lewd and lascivious instant messages to teenage pages. Foley not only resigned his seat, he also came out of the closet and told the world that he is as gay as the day is long. Interestingly enough, a few years before getting caught drooling over teenagers, Foley said accusations that he was gay were "revolting and unforgivable."

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Patrick Connors


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