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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Top 10 Responses to San Francisco Residents Who Bitch About Cold Summer Weather

Posted By and on Wed, Aug 11, 2010 at 2:45 PM

click to enlarge snowman1.jpg
San Franciscans complain about everything. War in the Middle East, high rent, the job market, Muni (which really does suck) -- there's no subject too grandiose or pedestrian for us to bitch about over a too-expensive cup of Blue Bottle coffee. Of late, our critics' sensibilities have turned to another topic: The weather.

Yes, it's been a cold summer. You know what? Every summer is cold in San Francisco. Seriously, dude: Did you not know about the weather when you moved here? While we're at it, do you think anyone is fooled by those business cards that say you're a graphic designer?

Some of us here at SF Weekly are sick and tired of hearing and overhearing the incessant chat about how it's been sooooo cold. In solidarity with others who must suffer such complaints, we offer this handy-dandy list of rejoinders to cold-weather bitching of all varieties:

Top Ten Things to Say When San Franciscans Complain About the Weather

10. "Put on a sweater."

9. "You're right. I would like to warm us both by setting fire to your

idiotic skateboard."

8. "If you're trying to get me to quote Mark Twain, I would sooner punch you in the face."

7. "I hear it's sunny in Livermore!"

6. "Since you are my friend, I would like to sell you this snow shovel."

click to enlarge Fat suits: A fine way to stay warm through the SF summer
  • Fat suits: A fine way to stay warm through the SF summer
5. "I won't listen to you until you remove those sunglasses."

4. "May I place this stocking mask over your face to warm you?"

3. "May I place you in this fat suit to warm you?"

2. "Some say the world will end in fire,/ Some say in ice./ From what I've tasted of desire/ I hold with those who favor fire./ But if it had to perish twice,/ I think I know enough of hate/ To say that for destruction ice/ Is also great/ And would suffice."

1. (Say nothing. Bite your lip, fork over $3 for your cup of coffee, ignore the yuppie/techie/hipster DB's behind you in line, and return to the office, where, if you're lucky, you get paid to write ill-tempered screeds against people whom you have never met.)

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Peter Jamison


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