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Monday, August 2, 2010

United Football League Fashion Show!

Posted By on Mon, Aug 2, 2010 at 6:30 AM

click to enlarge Is it really better to look good than to feel good? - JON DION OWENS
There is no old-timers day in modeling. Twiggy and Cheryl Tiegs do not prance down the catwalk after the cruel standards of their industry deem them old and unsuitable.

There is an old-timers day, however, for the men who model football uniforms -- provided, of course, they're modeling for the United Football League. A handful of former household names, since deemed too old and unsuitable for the NFL, have latched on to the UFL. And, last week, they were strutting their stuff down a Las Vegas catwalk, revealing the teams' duds for the coming year.

First things first: This year's uniforms are so much better than last year's Day-Glo nuclear Jolly Rancher atrocities, the improvement can't be measured numerically. Last year's UFL unis were so lousy, they actually detracted from would-be fans' perception of the team as a viable league -- or at least that's the opinion of your humble narrator.

Also, relocating teams away from San Francisco and New York -- to Sacramento and Hartford, respectively -- makes a lot more sense for a league that professes to serve regions without options when it comes to watching pro football.

In any event, on with the fashion show:

Orange crush... - JON DION OWENS

Las Vegas Locos

Isn't that ... Yes, the models were former 49ers quarterback Tim Rattay (who once autographed mini-footballs at the FedEx on Bush and Sansome) and former Arizona Cardinals tight end Adam Bergen (pictured).

Don't those uniforms look just like ... Yes, Oregon State.

Commentary: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Please

Teal? Really? That's the thing to do? - JON DION OWENS

Florida Tuskers

Isn't that ... Yep, that's former Oakland Raider Dominic Rhodes. Hell of a smile on him.

Don't those uniforms look just like ... the Carolina Panthers (especially the Tuskers' road unis). 

Commentary: Ever since the San Jose Sharks in 1991, every team has tried to incorporate teal into its uniforms. The mixture of black and teal, however, is jarring. The black is obviously a tough guy thing while teal harks to decor in the waiting room of an ear, nose, and throat specialist in 1950s suburbia. Eh -- better than last year's uniforms.

Ohmaha is taking the Johnny Cash approach to outfitting its players - JON DION OWENS
  • Jon Dion Owens
  • Ohmaha is taking the Johnny Cash approach to outfitting its players

Ohmaha Nighthawks

Isn't that ... That's former Lambeau Leaper Ahman Green (a former Nebraska Cornhusker who has come home to husk). The Nighthawks -- as good a name as any for a pro team from Omaha -- will play their games at Rosenblatt Stadium. Hmmm. If Green vaults into the stands after scoring at home, what should it be called? The Rosenblatt Riccochet?
Don't those uniforms look just like ... The Mean Machine. Exactly.

Commentary: You can never fail with black uniforms. But these don't wildly succeed, either.

That's not Stephen Jackson nor is it a Rams uni... - JON DION OWENS

Hartford Colonials

Isn't that
... I have no damn idea. The credit says it's Andre Dixon, who came right out of the University of Connecticut to play for the UFL.

Don't those uniforms look just like ... the St. Louis Rams? You bet they do. Meanwhile, Hartford's away kit looks just like Navy.

Commentary: Solid, conservative, unobjectionable. Not bad.

Now if only Sacto could ink Randy Moss... - JON DION OWENS

Sacramento Mountain Lions

Isn't that ... The man himself, Daunte Culpepper! This answers the pressing questions, "What's the last chance after the Oakland Raiders?"

Don't those uniforms look just like ...  Purdue (especially the Mountain Lions' gold home uniform).

Commentary: In San Francisco the "California Redwoods" wore radioactive green uniforms. But only after running off to Sacramento -- Sacramento! -- do they dress sensibly. I guess San Francisco is just a foolish sartorial phase for these transitory residents

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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