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Friday, June 25, 2010

The Week in Gay: Gays Invade San Francisco!

Posted By on Fri, Jun 25, 2010 at 8:59 AM

Adam Hood loves you
  • Adam Hood loves you
What is the best way to kick off San Francisco Pride Weekend? By listening to an ex-gay, ex-San Franciscan who wears an ascot and just loves him some pussy! Adam Hood doesn't want the gays to bring the gangrene into heaven but he does want to bring flavor savers. Imagine him disrobing (sans the ascot, naturally) and scaring the hell out of the homeless by screaming JESUUUUUUUUS when he pleasures his wife. He left a good job in the city. He was working for the man every night and day. And he never lost one moment of sleep worrying about the way things might have been. Ascot Mary won't be burning!

You know who will be burning (allegedly)? Joran van der Sloot will burn ... assuming he's guilty. He's the young Dutch dude that hangs out in South America who's accused of killing Natalie Holloway and Stephany Flores. He says that he has received several marriage proposals since his arrest. Isn't that heartwarming? Did you know that even if he is convicted of murder (single or double), his right to marry a woman is guaranteed in the U.S.? Of course he won't be locked up here, so why is this story even being mentioned? Because it reminds me how galling it is that a man who murders women can marry one, but a woman that loves a woman can't.

CNN has noticed the gays! Tune in to watch Gary and Tony Have a Baby ... if you want to watch a couple of white middle class guys struggle to spend money on surrogacy. Yes, it is nice to see some positive attention for once, but when will CNN do a story on lumpy, overwrought gays with excessive gas and no children -- and no car or house or even the start of a retirement account? I'll be camping by my phone.

'Lumpy, overwrought gays with excessive gas and no children...'
  • 'Lumpy, overwrought gays with excessive gas and no children...'
Or better yet - how about an exploration of the court decision from Wisconsin that says a lesbian who raised two adopted children has no parental rights? Explore THAT story CNN. A woman named Wendy (Wisconsin Wendy?) broke up with her partner and has been declared a legal stranger to the two children she raised because same-sex couples do not have adoption rights and they do not have the right to marry in the cheesy state of Wisconsin. Maybe Wendy should start wearing an ascot.

In THRILLING legal news, the US Supreme Court decided yesterday (8-1 with Clarence "pubic hair" Thomas dissenting) that "governments can disclose the personal information of people who signed petitions." In Washington State in 2008 a group of ascot-wearing gay haters, gathered signatures to force a vote on the establishment of domestic partnerships that (more or less) equate to marriage. This is a big (although rather broad) ruling that questions the right of people to hide their identity when they want to put something like Prop. 8 on the ballot. It won't stop the bigots from marching with pitchforks and torches but at least we can look forward to more Google maps pinpointing exactly where the homophobes -- and their pitchforks and torches -- reside.

In local news, Rep. Jackie Speier is hosting a Town Hall meeting on Pink Saturday (June 26) in San Francisco. Can you believe it? The woman has nerve. Not even the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR) holds a community meeting when the community is likely to attend. An announcement was made via Facebook that the NCLR would have a meeting on Thursday the 24th at 10:30am. Who is available to attend a community meeting before noon on a weekday?

I guess we know how badly they want to engage the public.

The Atlantic reports that no matter what decision Judge Vaughn Walker issues in the Prop. 8 trial, California LGBT organizations are pushing ahead on their plans to repeal the proposition at the ballot box. Or, as some might put it, "This door is wide open now. It's gonna happen whether you like it or not." Even if the case is on track to hit the U.S. Supreme Court in 2012, Equality California still plans to load the ballot with a repeal measure while President Barack Obama runs for re-election.

Throw caution to the wind (like EQCA) by challenging your lactose intolerance and eat gay ice cream this weekend. Wear an ascot while you do it or people will wonder if you are a fudgepacker.

Patrick Connors is an uppity fag and he will let you know if he runs into Obama at a bathhouse this weekend. Follow him on Twitter at @UppityFag and @TheSnitchSF

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