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Friday, May 28, 2010

Everyone Sing the Bay Area Media Songs!

Posted By on Fri, May 28, 2010 at 6:30 AM

click to enlarge Get out your banjo, Warren, and sing the company song! - JOYCE GOLDSCHMID
  • Joyce Goldschmid
  • Get out your banjo, Warren, and sing the company song!
On May 26, financier Warren Hellman invited throngs of hangers-on to a Great American Music Hall bash to celebrate the launch of the Bay Citizen, the news nonprofit he tossed $5 million.

The highlight, apparently, was an official Bay Citizen company song written and performed by Hellman himself, a man known for investing in east Asia, where company song singing and listening are strictly enforced.

Accordingly, writes SFGate's Katie Baker, "attendants circulated through the crowd while he sang, asking everyone to be quiet during the performance" of  "Hardly Strictly News."

Creepy? You decide.

To keep Hellman from pulling too far from the pack, The Snitch has written Hellman-like bluegrass company song choruses for a smattering of local media. Feel free to contribute your own versions in the comments:

Now, with music!
  • Now, with music!

The very

best chorus will receive a free copy of

Tera Patrick's new book Sinner Takes All, or  25 random indie CDs. These are the kinds of things people mail you at an alt-weekly.

To start, here's Hellman's chorus:

Bay Citizen, Bay Citizen, you kick off tonight.

I can't begin to tell you what a wonderful delight

Bay Citizen, Bay Citizen, the future sure looks bright

It seems our modern news hub is a-comin' into sight.

Now, other Bay Area media's company songs:

San Francisco Examiner

Examiner, Examiner, you're no longer the only billionaire's folly in town

Phil Anschutz has a rival;
it's the guy with the Golden Gate Park hoe down

Examiner, Examiner, you'll last as long as your patron's amused...

Even though piles of unread papers everywhere make locals feel abused

Wall Street Journal Bay Area Edition

Wall Street Journal Bay Area Edition, Wall Street Journal Bay Area Edition,
Wait, aren't you a billionaire's folly, too?

There seem to be so many of you nowadays,
SF's like a palatial zoo.
Journal, Journal , All I see in here are beat reporters' tailings

But nobody's bound to notice, given a certain New York-based competitor's failings

New York Times Bay Area Edition

New York Times Bay Area edition, New York Times Bay Area edition,
I couldn't believe it, but it's true...

You actually had a "Bay Area" story about how the word "so" is overused.

Hillary Clinton started a sentence with "So,"
So you decided to stop the presses

There's apparently "local" news in words the Secretary of State stresses.

San Francisco Chronicle

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco Chronicle,
You're now the size of the Modesto Bee

I can't wait to weigh you in maybe a year or three

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco Chronicle, you didn't need diet pills

Thanks to Hellman's start up, this ain't the end of your ills


SFist, SFist, you've spread fear and loathing in newspaper land

By making a well-read news site with the toil of just one man

SFist, SFist, would you mind pausing for a while

San Francisco's web-surfing reporters have stories they've got to file


SFstreetsblog, SFstreetsblog, word is you're at risk of going down

That would be a pity, because you've helped make this a safer, quieter town

SFStreetsblog, SFStreetsblog, by preaching walking and biking

You've raised hope San Francisco will be more to our liking

San Francisco Bay Guardian

Bay Guardian, Bay Guardian, What? You've stopped paying your printing bills?
From the look of your tabloid, that's the least of your ills

Bay Guardian, Bay Guardian: How about that damned PG&E?

Please write that a thousand times, so even more people leave your paper be

Let's get together the chorus line...
  • Let's get together the chorus line...

Bay Area Reporter

Reporter, Reporter, you're a newsy, scrappy rag

You cover the heck out of regional gay life, without ever seeming to lag.
Reporter, Reporter, could you share some of your sources and tips with us?
You always seem to be chock full of original stories, without ever raising a fuss

SF Appeal

SF Appeal, SF Appeal, we'll admit you've gone and done it

You've staked a place in the news game -- but no, you haven't won it

SF Appeal, SF Appeal, given your occasional news smash

Imagine what you could do with a billionaire's cash


Beyond Chron, Beyond Chron, aren't you an indirectly government subsidized journal?

That protects the interests and allies of a certain Tenderloin colonel?

Beyond Chron, Beyond Chron, notwithstanding, you're an interesting read

As long as we remember the city trough at which you feed


7x7, 7x7, we just checked: You're still alive and doing fine!

Not only that, you have a story about a boyfriend who secretly dates online.

7x7, 7x7, what's more, you've got a 21,000-vote poll for the cutest local pet
Hooray! There's hope for investigative journalism yet.

San Francisco Magazine

San Francisco Magazine, San Francisco Magazine,

despite your front-of-the-book society dreck

Over the years you've still earned our respect
San Francisco Magazine, San Francisco Magazine
Whether Ukraine jailed Prime Minister or the bums running the Presidio

You've dredged some great stories out of this little city-o.


MuniDiaries, MuniDiaries, how could a whole site based on buses be anything but hack?

But wait, what's this:
A story about a man who reads a book on a bus' front bike rack

MuniDiaries, MuniDiaries, you found news we actually want to know

As we sit and wonder why people move about town so slow.


Sing Tao Daily

Sing Tao Daily, Sing Tao Daily, if only we read Chinese

We'd be able to read Hong Kong-centric headlines on shredded American trees

Sing Tao Daily, Sing Tao Daily,

I know this sounds perverse
But my tank is running low, and I'm only giving you one verse

Mission Local

Mission Local, Mission Local, you demonstrate legitimate chops

By investigating things people actually want to know about:
Like old- and new-school doghnut shops.

Mission Local, you're it: if I had to give every neighborhood paper a song,

I'd be working on this silly project all week long

Follow us on Twitter at @TheSnitchSF and @SFWeekly

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Matt Smith


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