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Friday, April 2, 2010

The Week in Gay: The Ricky Martin's Bon-Bon Edition

Posted By on Fri, Apr 2, 2010 at 1:59 PM

click to enlarge Ah, fond memories of prom...
  • Ah, fond memories of prom...
Don't Ask Don't Tell doesn't apply to Ricky Martin -- but we'll get to that in good time. No, "DADT" is the law that supposedly keeps the gays out of the military -- continued to take up headspace this week. On Tuesday, the Department of Justice, acting on behalf of the Obama administration, issued a "full throttled defense" of DADT in response to a suit filed by the Log Cabin Republicans some time ago. Remember the remark Obama made during his State of the Union address in January? WTF, Pres? The story just got richer after Tuesday.

On Wednesday, Army Secretary John McHugh said that he discussed the DADT policy with gay soldiers and he won't discharge them for telling him about their filthy, filthy secret. This is shocking coming from a higher-up! How defiant!

Yet one day later, McHugh was cock blocked - maybe by the Commander-in-Chief - and clarified the statement he made the day before. He didn't really mean to imply that he wouldn't discharge soldiers for discussing with him their sinful cornholing. What he meant to say was that he would masturbate right after they tell him all about it and then he'd discharge every single soldier that packs fudge.

In summary: The Obama administration can't decide what they want when it comes to the gays. And they are making assholes out of themselves; bigger assholes than would seem necessary. Messy messy, messy. ...

In further confusion this week, erstwhile Mississippi lesbian prom queen Constance McMillen was not going to a prom, was going to a prom, was NOT going to a prom, and perhaps by the time you read this, she will be covered in pig blood like Carrie somewhere in that gawd-forsaken state. I'm tired. Bigots make me tired. Proms make me tired. I'm so tired.

Ricky Martin: Kiss his gay ass...
  • Ricky Martin: Kiss his gay ass...
I may be tired, but I'm not broke - and neither is the LGBT Clubhouse in San Francisco. The Board of Supervisors voted to loan the Center some cash, but they aren't going to use it unless they need it or some kind of shit, I don't know. You tell me, what does this mean: "These funds will be preserved in reserve." Just like marmalade! Or King Tut! Or Joan Rivers!

Cleve Jones wants the bullhorn coated with Harvey Milk's spittle to be appraised and insured and that's why he never returned it to the school named after the slain gay civil rights icon after it was used in the film "Milk" two years ago. Jones has kept the thing for two years! Milk has been dead for 30 years! How long does it take to get around to this stuff? That's one hell of a long to-do list, Cleve. [Ed.: It's also a hell of a math problem for the kids at the school!] Don't be a fucker, man. Cough it up.

Finally, in case you missed the big news, Ricky Martin has probably banged a few girls in his life, but he would much rather bang guys.

Speaking of pretty things, this weekend marks the 31st annual celebration of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence in Dolores Park. Make sure you attend to witness the Hunky Jesus contest and make every Christian anus pucker a little tighter this weekend.

Patrick Connors is an uppity fag that could use a little resurrection.

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