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Friday, March 12, 2010

San Francisco-Libs: Write Your Own Newsom Lt. Gov Statement!

Posted By on Fri, Mar 12, 2010 at 12:01 AM

Greetings, former subjects...
  • Greetings, former subjects...

Gavin Newsom today announced he's running for lieutenant governor -- quelle surprise!

My fellow San Franciscans:

When I first arrived in this city (big number) __________ years ago, all I had was the (petroleum product) ____________ on my head, the (petroleum billionaire's last name) ______________ good will in my pocket, and a song in my heart. And you took me for who I am. You overlooked my tendency to (verb) ______________ things I shouldn't and rewarded me again and again. San Francisco, you did everything for me. So ... uh, I'm out.

Now, we can still (verb)_____________. We can still be (plural noun)___________And I won't even have to come by and pick up my (noun) ______________; I can stay here and still do my new job as lieutenant governor. I'm told as long as I toss a pack of (plural noun) ____________into a hat from across the room 10 times a day, they don't care if I work from home. I take this job very seriously; if I am fortunate enough to win this election, I pledge to toss 20 packs of (same plural noun) ________________ into a hat, every day. And (number of sex partners you had in college) ______________ times on Saturday.

This was not a(n) (adjective) _______________ decision. I asked my

wife, several times, (question involving trains from a math quiz)

____________________. But she always gave me the answer I needed to

hear: (answer corresponding with trains math quiz question)

__________________. I'm a very lucky man to have that kind of (noun)


Now, some of you may be confused. When I left the Governor's race last year, I said I had a young family to raise and a city to run. What changed? Well, my family is now six months more (adjective) _____________. And the city? Well, have you seen this city? Would you rather cut (number of sex partners you had in college multiplied by 50) _______________ million off the deficit or cut a (noun) ____________________ to open the VFW Post in Sacramento? Hey, you can't take a (noun) ______________ of a deficit getting cut, that's all I'm saying!

So, in conclusion, thanks for elevating me to a position where I could work to solve your problems and make your lives and city better. Sorry I couldn't do it. But, hey, maybe next time. I'm Gavin Newsom and I want your (something Gavin Newsom wants) _____________________.

Photo |   Brainchildvn

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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