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Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Marry-Fuck-Kill Analysis of the Governor's Race

Posted By on Thu, Mar 4, 2010 at 11:30 AM

Is this man marriage material?
  • Is this man marriage material?
Now that we finally have the official contestants for the governor's race, we thought this would be a good time to break down the candidates. Are we going to deconstruct their policy proposals or scrutinize their voting records? Hell no! No one has the time to read that kind of thoughtful crap on the internets.

Question: Would you rather read a nuanced story that will help you be a better informed citizen, or would you rather watch a video of two girls and a cup of poop? Think we both know the answer to that one. With that in mind, here's our incredibly juvenile analysis of the guv's race using one of Howard Stern's favorite games. Find out which candidate we'd marry, which one we'd fuck, and which one we'd kill -- after the jump.

click to enlarge We do, Jerry...
  • We do, Jerry...
We'd Marry Jerry Brown.
Hey, he's the only Democrat in the friggin' race! We can't count on a Republican to love us in sickness and in poorness; a GOPer would only be nice to us when we're "in health" and "for richer." Plus, we bet Jerry's hand still smells like Linda Rondstadt.

click to enlarge Call us, Steve...
  • Call us, Steve...
We'd Fuck Steve Poizner
With Gavin Newsom out, Poindexter is the most attractive person in the race. If Gavin was still running, we'd obviously fuck his best friend's wife and kill his 12-step counselor.

click to enlarge Sorry Meg...
  • Sorry Meg...
We'd Kill Meg Whitman
Would anyone even notice if we offed her? Live or dead, she isn't going to answer questions from reporters.   

Photo of Meg Whitman   |   Cali12345
Photo of Steve Poizner   |   Gage Skidmore


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Will Harper

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