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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Other Stuff We Really Should Take Away From Sex Offenders

Posted By on Tue, Mar 2, 2010 at 3:10 PM

Kamala Harris wishes she came up with this shit
  • Kamala Harris wishes she came up with this shit
So, we've already made it fairly difficult for sex offenders to find a legal place to sleep in San Francisco. Kamala Harris -- our beloved DA and aspiring Attorney General -- came out today in favor of revoking their social networking privileges. That got us thinking. What else can we take away from sex perverts?

Here's a handy list we suggest that Harris take into consideration:

  • Depth perception -- Each sexual predator should be required to wear an

    eye patch. Although this might be sort of tragic for pirates,

    it would be excellent for identification purposes and it would also

    slow the pervert predators down.

  • Running shoes -- Same idea.
  • Lollypops -- Every lollypop in every

    store should be locked in a glass case. Before anyone buys a lolly, the

    store clerks should look up whether that person is actually a sex

    offender. (Alternative: take sucking candies off the market entirely. It's

    better than supplying predators with a plentiful stream of armaments for their arsenal of perversion).

  • Regular

    sex -- Everyone knows regular sex is a gateway to pervert sex, as

    published in the San

    Francisco Chronicle.

  • White vans -- Bam. They'll have

    nothing to kidnap with!

  • Friends -- If you have no friends, you have no friends' kids to molest and rape and stuff.
  • Mustaches -- Although this isn't scientifically proven, it's entirely possible that mustaches themselves are responsible for up to 78 percent of all child molestations. (Nothing else explains the correlation between molesters and mustaches).
  • Condoms -- Although you wouldn't believe this, sexual predators are actually terrified of STDs.
  • Eh, fuck it. Let's just shoot 'em.

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Ashley Harrell

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