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Friday, December 11, 2009

Let it Snow on Union Street Saturday -- Unless it Rains

Posted By on Fri, Dec 11, 2009 at 2:15 PM

click to enlarge Oh, the weather outside is frightful...
  • Oh, the weather outside is frightful...
This cold weather makes thin-skinned San Franciscans go berserk. Climate scientists tried to sway us with sanity, reminding SF Weekly how positively tropical it is here when compared to places that experience real winters. But we wouldn't listen. This week, a debate between two bickering Bernal Heights roommates over whether to turn up the heater or turn it off culminated in one brandishing a firearm (no news on whether the gun-toting roommate was in favor of upping the temperature or dropping it).

So, God help us if it were to really snow here -- we'd just about lose it. On the other hand, a little of the fake snow, for kids -- maybe it's only 50/50 that lunacy will ensue. We'll see tomorrow when the Union Street Merchants Association carts in a truckload of faux snow and dumps it in front of the boarded-up Metro Theater at 2055 Union Street (the sealed-off cinema house has been rendered more cheery for the holiday season via a mural. It won't revive the independent movie theater business, but it beats plywood). Organizers are promising a "95 percent chance" of snow at 2 p.m. Saturday -- they'd give us the 100 percent guarantee, but it may rain.

Rain > Snow.

Visitors are encouraged to "frolic" in the snow -- as long as the term

"frolic" isn't used as an excuse to behave in a manner unfitting for

the eyes of children and the day's Santa, plumber Ken Valente of A.

Valente and Sons (One of Valente's employees testified that the plumber

is jolly, bearded, and possesses a somewhat Santa-like frame. "I think

he'll make a great Santa," said the worker).

Finally, those not bringing canned food for the San Francisco Food Bank are liable to get a lump of coal from Santa. Or, considering he's a plumber -- perhaps a lump of something worse.


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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Bio:
Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.

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