Never one to be left out of a media shark attack, I scored my own interview with Gavin Newsom last week to talk about what's next for San Francisco. What follows is the unedited transcript.
BENJAMIN: "Hey, are you Gavin Newsom?"
NEWSOM: "Yeah. It's a pleasure to meet you."
BENJAMIN: "How ... how did you get into my apartment?"
NEWSOM: "It's not just your apartment. Since I ended my campaign for governor, I've made more than 69 surprise appearances all over San Francisco. I'm trying to prove that nobody's safe."
BENJAMIN: "Are those my pajamas?"
NEWSOM: "I like the way they have silk on the inside for comfort and flannel on the outside for warmth. That's really innovative thinking. I have a similar plan for homeless people."
BENJAMIN: "You look a little ... it's 3 a.m. Are you okay?"
NEWSOM: "I'd rather talk about the budget."
BENJAMIN: "Really? Great! Please! I love that stuff."
(Pause)
BENJAMIN: "Go ahead."
(Pause)
NEWSOM: "The anticipated deficit is going to be over $500 million."
BENJAMIN: "Yes."
(Pause)
BENJAMIN: "And?"
NEWSOM: "It's going to be a challenge."
BENJAMIN: "And?"
(Pause)
NEWSOM: "That's all I've got."
(Pause)
BENJAMIN: "Okay, well, thanks for stopping by."
NEWSOM: "Yeah ... yeah. I should go."
BENJAMIN: "Are you just going to wear my pajamas out the door or ... oh, I see, you're climbing out the window. Of course you are. What else would you do?"
NEWSOM: "I'm glad we could have this unfiltered conversation. A real frank exchange of ideas."
BENJAMIN: "Actually, while you're here ..."
NEWSOM: "Your fire escape can't possibly be up to code!"
BENJAMIN: "... I'd love to get your input for SF Gov InAction ..."
(Pause)
NEWSOM: "You mean that thing you write on Mondays where you make fun of everything people who are trying to improve the city do?"
BENJAMIN: "I prefer to think of it as new wave infotainment for the wired generation ..."
NEWSOM: "But you do it about the Supervisors, right?"
BENJAMIN: "Yeah. Yeah. I make fun of them."
NEWSOM: "I'm in."
BENJAMIN: "Great! I'm honored!"
NEWSOM: "I'll need a team of consultants, though. Top-notch guys."
BENJAMIN: "Oh. Um ... will this stuffed monkey do?"
NEWSOM: "I want the teddy bear."
BENJAMIN: "Okay."
NEWSOM: "And the fuzzy blue dog."
BENJAMIN: "Both of them?"
NEWSOM: "And I'll need that picture of your mom to serve as my spokesperson."
BENJAMIN: "How big a staff do you need?"
NEWSOM: "That's an excellent question for your mother. I'll just put her down here where she'll be accessible, next to the erotic sculpture."
BENJAMIN: "It's not 'erotic.' It's artistic."
NEWSOM: "Preaching to the converted! So let's get started. Who do we make fun of first? Is it Aaron Peskin?"
BENJAMIN: "He was termed out of the Board of Supervisors."
NEWSOM: "Uh huh. I went to Hawaii for a few days, but I'm still mayor."
BENJAMIN: "Touche. We'll take this in chronological order, as usual, beginning with:
Monday, Nov. 23
11 a.m. - City Operations & Neighborhood Services Committee
This is a classic three-item committee meeting with two of them -- accepting grants for urban trails and streetscape improvements -- not actually worth talking about. So I'm going to stop now.
NEWSOM: "A lot of people who say I'm disengaged from government don't actually know how boring it usually is."
BENJAMIN: "Preaching to the converted."
NEWSOM: "If you were mayor you'd be a compulsive thrill seeker too."
BENJAMIN: "The third item, however, is all talk: a hearing called by Bevan Dufty on the Bus inspection Program and the TransLink system."
NEWSOM: "Hey CBS News -- I've got a question for you: how is it that when I don't show up for a couple lousy photo ops, you act like I'm putting one over on democracy; but when Bevan Dufty holds a 'hearing' about something he has no control over or expertise in, you don't wonder: 'Why isn't this guy in Hawaii, where he wouldn't be wasting our time?'"
BENJAMIN: "Fair point."
NEWSOM: "If Bevan Dufty were taller, this would be grandstanding. Instead, it's comical. He can't order Muni to do anything, he can't order the police to do anything -- and even if he could there'd be no money to pay for it."
BENJAMIN: "I suppose that's right."
NEWSOM: "So this isn't really a government hearing, it's a campaign event for his mayoral run with all the fun and excitement of a government hearing."
BENJAMIN: "That hurts because it's true."
NEWSOM: "If he really wanted to have an impact on Muni, he should have helped vote down their budget and then made demands -- the way he didn't back in May."
BENJAMIN: "So you don't think anything is going to come out of this?"
NEWSOM: "I think a Bevan Dufty campaign mailer is going to come out of this. But I'm going to keep running Muni."
BENJAMIN: "Well, then I guess nobody's going to come out of this meeting a winner. Let's move on. Incidentally, I don't suppose you want to actually say something about Muni policy? Anything?"
(Pause)
BENJAMIN: "Anything?"
(Pause)
NEWSOM: "I'm working very hard."
(Pause)
BENJAMIN: "Right. Hey, you look hungry. I have some cookies ..."
NEWSOM: "I only eat rich people cookies."
BENJAMIN: "Okay then. We'll move on to the next meeting, which is the ...
1 p.m. - Land Use & Economic Development CommitteeThis meeting is pretty packed actually, including:
• Proposed zoning amendments to Bayview Hunters Point and the Third Street and Le Conte Avenue Affordable Housing Special Use District;
• The creation of "Infill Opportunity Zones for Congestion management";
• A proposed change to the way the Planning Department handles "Discretionary Reviews."
NEWSOM: "The change will make them a lot less discretionary."
BENJAMIN: "Is that a good thing?"
NEWSOM: "It will make it a lot easier to add a deck to your back porch or build a dozen new condo units. Things you'll never do, based on this apartment."
BENJAMIN: "What's that supposed to mean?"
NEWSOM: "It means that with decorations like these I'd say you were a serial killer, except that serial killers have an active lifestyle."
BENJAMIN: "Low blow!"
NEWSOM: "These changes would also make it a lot harder for you, as a socially maladjusted would-be serial killer who deeply resents the success of better-looking people, to stop someone from adding a deck to their back porch or building a dozen new condo units. The system won't take you as seriously. So it's kind of a win-win."
BENJAMIN: "You're the children's book version of an Ayn Rand character. You know that?"
NEWSOM: "Yep. And I'm 'Going Galt Junior' on San Francisco's ass."
BENJAMIN: "While you're doing that, important things will still be happening at this meeting. One of them is John Avalos' continuing attempt to get eviction protection extended to almost all renters in San Francisco ."
NEWSOM: "Can't we all join hands and agree that SOMEBODY in San Francisco actually deserves to be evicted?"
BENJAMIN: "But for sheer pathos, I think that Sophie Maxwell's hearing on African American infant mortality rates in San Francisco comes out a winner."
NEWSOM: "High infant mortality rates?"
BENJAMIN: "Yep."
NEWSOM: "Here in San Francisco?"
BENJAMIN: "Yep."
NEWSOM: "Yikes."
BENJAMIN: "Yeah."
NEWSOM: "Somebody really ought to do something about that."
BENJAMIN: "Yeah."
(Pause)
NEWSOM: "Don't look at me like that."
BENJAMIN: "Why not?"
NEWSOM: "Because all the supervisors want to do is spend more money, that we don't have, on a system that is failing in so many small ways in so many places that we can't even effectively spend the money we do have. That's not going to accomplish anything."
BENJAMIN: "Wow. Somebody really ought to do something about that."
NEWSOM: "Exactly!"
(Pause)
NEWSOM: "Don't look at me like that."
BENJAMIN: "I'm just saying ..."
NEWSOM: "It's not like the media's chomping at the bit to write about the high rate of infant mortality among African Americans in San Francisco! Just remember: the Chronicle did an 11-part series on fog."
(Pause)
BENJAMIN: "Don't look at me like that."
NEWSOM: "I thought so."
BENJAMIN: "We'll just ... move on then."
NEWSOM: "Yeah."
BENJAMIN: "The next meeting is the ...
Tuesday, Nov. 24
12:25 - Budget and Finance Committee
This entire meeting is a continuing attempt to hire back the public health positions that were cut, without running afoul of the controller's shocking announcement that San Francisco is one bad day away from insolvency.
Mr. Mayor, any comment?
NEWSOM: "No."
BENJAMIN: "Why are you holding that ice pick?"
NEWSOM: "No ... comment."
(Pause)
BENJAMIN: "You know, if Jack Nicholson were younger, you'd be the role of his lifetime."
NEWSOM: "Yeah, but Christian Bale is younger."
BENJAMIN: "Our next meeting is our last meeting. It's ...
2 p.m. - full Board of Supervisors
And to be honest, this meeting's got nothing. It's all procedural issues, meeting various legal requirements, approving lawsuit settlements, and finishing up old business before the holiday. The only drama will be around things that have already been well discussed - -like the attempt to keep the public health workers employed. This meeting's a classic case of "you snooze, you miss nothing, and you come out ahead on sleep."
NEWSOM: "And yet they want me to show up to these things."
BENJAMIN: "Isn't that what you get paid for? Nobody forced you to run for anything.
NEWSOM: "You have no idea the pressure I was under. If anybody liked you, you might understand."
BENJAMIN: "That's it. Just let the hostility out."
NEWSOM: "It's not hostility: That's what you people don't get. I'm living in a fishbowl 24/7, constantly accosted by people who make money by digging up scandals, and they all want to see me fail. If I engage them, I'm assaulted; if I ignore them, I'm mocked. How do you experts of the press think I should react to that? Because there are only two reactions to a prolonged no-win situation: anger and despair.
Frankly, I think anger is healthier. Lashing out at the people who make you miserable is an affirmation of life! It's proof that however much you vultures circle me, I'm not dead yet. Fighting the system -- even the one I head -- means I'm not a cog in it! I have as much right as Gregor Samsa, Joseph K, and anyone else in one of Kafka's nightmares to be angry. And if you think being surrounded by the 21st-century press isn't exactly what Kafka had in mind, then you don't know media or literature. But that's not hostility: That's gasping for air."
BENJAMIN: "Actually, I think you're right. Your life has become 21st-century San Francisco's answer to Kafka. Going to Hawaii and not taking the system with you was probably a profoundly healthy thing to do. I just wish you'd acknowledge that the system was every bit as toxic when you were on top, because that would show wisdom instead of resentment."
NEWSOM: "I've just made a parachute out of all the napkins and take-out bags in your apartment, and I think I can use it to float down the street. The next time I see you, you'd better be composting. Don't think I won't come into your house and check."
BENJAMIN: "I'm confident of it."
Photo of Gavin Newsom | Brainchildvn
