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Thursday, November 19, 2009

San Francisco-Libs

Posted By on Thu, Nov 19, 2009 at 6:30 AM

click to enlarge JIM HERD
  • Jim Herd

Chapter One: A Quick Spin Around Our City!

Welcome to San Francisco, the most (adjective) __________ city in the world. If you've got money and you're willing to (action verb) ________ it, and (same verb) _______ with abandon, come here. We need you to. Please. We don't know how to do anything else but take your money.

Most newcomers to our city (verb)  _______ at San Francisco Airport. Others may (verb)  _______ at the Greyhound terminal or take a break from searching for (something you don't want your mom to see) _______ on the Internet -- I mean, really nasty stuff, like (person in the room)  _______ and (San Francisco celebrity)  _______ with power tools and corn dogs, and caulking tape -- to find a ride on Craigslist. Welcome to you all!

Getting around San Francisco is easy -- you just need an incredibly high pain tolerance, absolutely no hard deadlines on your arrival times, and no sense of smell. Or, you could drive -- but this is getting harder and harder as some _________ (derogatory name) keeps ________ (verb followed by -ing) _______ all the cars. So, we'll introduce you to San Francisco's citywide pastime -- complaining about Muni. Getting (verb, past tense)  _______ by a bus is something of a cottage industry here. But it may be preferable to sitting on a seat with (fluid) _______ left behind to ferment. Please don't chat up the man with his pants on backwards yodeling off-key R. Kelly songs. If he loses concentration, he'll (violent verb)  _______ the bus.

  • Jim Herd
Meanwhile, our trains have, of late, shown a nasty tendency to (motion/movement verb)  _______ off the rails. Why should they be any different from the rest of San Francisco?

Of course, no visit to San Francisco is complete without a ride on the (adjective)  _______ cable cars. For the price of (something expensive) _______ you can ride up a hill. And then you can pay more to ride back.

Ha, ha, ha! In San Francisco, getting there truly is half the fun. But why explore only the (verb, past tense)  _______ path? Why not go to some of the city's more (adjective)  _______ locales? Take Ocean Beach, for example. In addition to being a great place to/for (manner of dying) _______, it's also a (small object, possessive)  _______ throw from the zoo -- which is also a great place to/for (manner of dying) _______ . In San Francisco, everyone wants to welcome you. Even the (wild animals) _______ .

Not too many visitors head to McLaren Park on the other end of the city. In fact, we're convinced there are parts of the park where no one's ever been to. It's a great place to dump (appliances) _______ , (item you've been meaning to throw out) _______ , and (deceased relative of person in room) _______ .

Here are some other places to go:

  • Those hoping to pick up a case of (kind of rash)  _______ while inadvertently walking into someone's backyard are encouraged to visit the Presidio;
  • Those hoping to run into all the (part of anatomy, plural) _______ they met in college and a seemingly endless array of leggy blonds in (animal) _______ -print should visit the Marina;
  • Those hoping to do (type of soda)  _______ with Sean Penn should wander around North Beach;
  • You wanna buy a (household item)  _______ for 99 cents, break it, then buy another? Visit Chinatown;
  • You wanna inadvertently wander into a (plant)  _______ sting operation? Head to the Outer Sunset;
  • And if you want to see the crookedest street in the world, it just happens to be wherever (city politician)  _______ is. 
What fun you'll have! And remember, this ain't Los Angeles -- dress in (plural noun) _______ .

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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