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Monday, November 16, 2009

You Want Fresh Faces? Our Suggestions for the 2010 GOP Slate.

Posted By on Mon, Nov 16, 2009 at 8:30 AM

On Wednesday, the latest in a batch of Republican political neophytes expressed his desire for high-ranking political office in California. Damon Dunn, the former Stanford and NFL receiver and current Orange County real-estate mogul, said he plans to run for Secretary of State.

But as the San Francisco Chronicle reported, there's already one obvious problem with Dunn's candidacy, and it's a big one: Despite aspiring to an elected position in which his duties would include administering state elections, Dunn has only voted once in his life. In May, the 33-year-old made it to the polls for the first time.

We can do better
  • We can do better

Dunn joins a slate of other GOP hopefuls for statewide office who have spotty voting records, including gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina, who's running for the U.S. Senate. In the Chron story, state GOP Chairman Ron Nehring said the campaign effort of a political newbie such as Dunn "challenges existing stereotypes and inspires others from a variety of backgrounds to seek elected offices."

Right. Demonstrated apathy toward the political process is just what California needs as it teeters on the edge of Armageddon. But Nehring may have a point. Following his reasoning, we here at SF Weekly would like to suggest a few other potential candidates, from a variety of backgrounds and with the requisite ignorance of government, whom Republicans might consider as they look toward the 2010 elections: 

For U.S. Senator: Baxter

A canine politician with the human touch
  • A canine politician with the human touch
Sure, Republican Senate candidate Carly Fiorina once ran the mammoth IT firm Hewlett-Packard. But is she a terrier? The answer, we're here to inform you, is a resounding no. Baxter, beloved companion of Will Ferrell's fictional TV newsman in the 2004 flick Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, has exactly the kind of outsider's perspective needed to clear the clogged arteries of the federal government's legislative branch. Can't you just see this cute little guy barking angrily -- alongside his red-state colleagues -- during Obama's next State of the Union address?

For California Attorney General: Jason Voorhees

The new face of the law
  • The new face of the law
Jason knows crime. He's killed hundreds of people. But can this hockey mask-wearing psycho deploy his formidable punitive talents on the right side of the law? We think so. Fans of the Friday the 13th franchise will recall that Jason became the monster he is after taking a tumble into Crystal Lake under the none-too-watchful supervision of horny camp counselors -- a compelling personal tale sure to endear him to the Golden State's voters. We're guessing that predatory lenders and mortgage fraudsters would fall into line real fast if they had to face Jason's machete instead of criminal complaints from his Democratic opponent, Kamala Harris. 

For California Lieutenant Governor: Frank Chu

Character matters
  • Character matters
Frank Chu is a weird dude. Declared San Francisco's "Best Pathological Citizen" by SF Weekly in 2008, this wielder of incomprehensible signs brings a truly fresh perspective to state politics: The fact is that nobody ever really knows what he's talking about. But given a choice between Chu's oracular nonsense and the wonky platitudes of one possible Democratic aspirant to the lieutenant governor's seat -- San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, who recently withdrew from the governor's race -- who would hesitate to cast a vote for this messenger from the 12 Galaxies? 

For California Secretary of State: A Teletubby

  • Wee!
We know that the aforementioned Dunn wants this job. But so severe is the partisan acrimony in Sacramento these days that few would argue against a calming influence on state government. Who better to cool the fevered brows of our state's extremist legislators than a Teletubby? This bizarre and perhaps nefarious creature's moans and burbles would, we suspect, be a welcome contribution amidst hand-wringing over new taxes, bad schools, overcrowded prisons, and general fiscal meltdown. And the TT's cross-cultural appeal -- Remember Jerry Falwell's stink over Tinky Winky, the "gay" teletubby who carried a purse? -- is just what the GOP needs as it seeks to expand its franchise beyond the thinning ranks of old white dudes. Cast your vote for the thing in the green body suit.  

Reagans photo by Mike Licht. Baxter photo by laurenshelbiw. Teletubby photo by dno1967. Jason photo by R_O_B_O. Frank Chu image created at ACME ChuMaker.
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Peter Jamison


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