I've had a really busy few weeks, and I haven't been able to catch up on any of the new fall shows yet. So I tried to cram a lot of television in this weekend while writing SF Gov InAction. Just so you know. Monday, Oct. 19, 10 a.m. - Public Safety Committee Somebody has to say it: the Public Safety Committee we have in San Francisco isn't nearly as good looking as the one they have in CSI Miami. Can we get them re-cast? I wouldn't mind if the supervisors stay around and occasionally make guest appearances, but, we clearly need a Public Safety Committee that's more comfortable taking its shirt off. Also, I don't think David Chiu is packing heat. While we're working on that, the committee will go through its usual update on what-our-criminals-are-doing-now, and there will be a hearing jointly sponsored by Chiu and Michela Alioto-Pier on changes to state support for domestic violence shelters. Hey, hypothetical question: if Michela Alioto-Pier's husband were to be caught in the middle of a major political scandal, do you think she'd stay by his side and then return to work at her old law firm (or whatever it is she did)? Or would she have him killed? Discuss.

10:30 am. - City Operations & Neighborhood Services Committee

In a curious juxtaposition, this committee has just two items on its agenda:

1) a hearing to support the state assembly's "Alcohol-Related Services Act," which would put a "mitigation fee" on the businesses that sell alcoholic beverages; and,

2) A hearing to determine whether Hawthorne Entertainment Group should get a liquor license.

All I can say is: Hands off the booze! It's a miracle substance that, in sufficient quantities, can make me care about Desperate Housewives again! Nothing else can anymore!

Do you think I'm drinking for the wrong reasons?

1 p.m. - Land Use & Economic Development Committee

Before getting into its agenda, I'd like to nominate this committee, which is made of up Sophie Maxwell, David Chiu, and Eric Mar, as the "least likely to understand a joke someone tells during a public hearing."

I'm watching Modern Family, you see, and would it kill this committee to be filmed in a shaky hand-cam and intersperse its public hearings with "confession room" segments? Maxwell could say things like "If you want respect in this town, you have to beat one of Chris Daly's charter amendments down at the ballot box. Until he does that, Eric Mar's my bitch."

That would be appointment viewing.

Instead, we have a continuing hearing on a proposal for establishing a Rental Subsidy Program for Low-Income Families; an "informational review" of planning department fees; and a series of revisions to the city's transportation code.

I'd tell you about that, but, I don't do transportation code.

Actually I do, but, it doesn't make anyone happy. We're all better off not knowing.

Tuesday, Oct 20, 2 p.m. - Full Board of Supervisors

Lots of contracts, lots of tinkering, several street alterations, settlements of big lawsuits -- none of these are very exciting or interesting, and there's nothing to be done about that.

But there are other issues to be voted on in this meeting, issues like whether to send $150,000 of city money to support foreign disaster relief and when to report the immigration status of juveniles in the criminal justice system -- and these issues are SCREAMING for a big musical number.

I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out: All dreams start out as something crazy. Your first date, your first job, winning regionals in glee club -- at first, they all seem impossible. But they're not, if you believe in yourself. And I BELIEVE that if the Supervisors were to rehearse enough, they could form an INCREDIBLE 11-part A Capella vocal harmony band!

Okay, well, eight-piece vocal harmony band: Sean Elsbernd, Carmen Chu, and Michela Alioto-Pier would probably dissent. But eight is enough! It's veto-proof! Even Gavin Newsom's wicked harmonica solos couldn't drown them out!

(There's a rumor that Newsom sold his soul to the devil to play the harmonica like that)

Then, when they go to vote on whether or not to keep juveniles' immigration status from the feds until after they're convicted of a crime, Ross Mirkarimi could lay down the bass line, and be joined a few bars later by Eric Mar singing a falsetto scat; Bevan Dufty and John Avalos could lay down some "oooooo" sweet fifths, and David Chiu ... who I'm pretty sure is a tenor ... could take melody, trading the lead with Chris Daly's baritone and Sophie Maxwell's alto and let her rip!

"Ladies and gentlemen!" says David Campos, "so moved that we Zombie Jamboree! For the immigrants!"

The crowd would go wild. Admit it, you would. You'd be sending a YouTube clip of that meeting to everybody you know, and they'd all come out of it supporting amnesty for illegals.

David Chiu nailing the high part in "Only the Lonely" would do more to advance progressive principles than a thousand community empowerment meetings.

The only question would be whether to save the musical numbers for the really big issues, like homicide prevention and Carmen Chu's deep wish to be one of the popular kids, or to also bust it out at lesser proposals that no one cares about. I can see arguments either way. Just as long as they don't get a laugh track, they'll be fine.

Speaking of which, the supes are poised to declare Nov. 1 - 8 "Community College Week." Hilarious! Chevy Chase is great in "Community!" I assume that's what this is about ... they couldn't possibly be doing this in a non-ironic way, could they?

The supes also have an extremely well thought-out plan "urging the United States federal government to end the U.S. Military occupation of Afghanistan while providing humanitarian aid to support the recovery of the country from the effects of war."

Sheesh: Even Medea Benjamin has now admitted that the issues in Afghanistan are too complex for pat solutions. Can the supes please stick to doing what they do best -- which I'm pretty sure has to be singing?

I mean, what else is there?

Wednesday, Oct. 21, 11 a.m. - Budget & Finance Committee

Based on my admittedly limited encounters with John Avalos, I've gotten the impression that he's the kind of man who shows up at a happy hour and wonders what everyone's smiling about. But even so, I have to give him this: He has a marvelous gift for keeping his committee busy.

Today the Budget Committee will go over measures authorizing $19 million in bonds for Broadway Family Apartments; approving the procurement and installation of SFPUC's new "Advanced Meter Infrastructure System" (sounds dangerous!); amending various Treasure Island agreements; and more.

None of it is very interesting, but all of it has to be done. Much like today's hearing on the outcome of the competitive process for Budget and Legislative Analyst services to the city. It has to be done, but don't expect anyone to enjoy it. The reason there are no jokes that begin "a budget analyst walks into a bar" is because when you factor in the chance of not being funny, amortized over the life of the joke, it's just not worth the risk.

Even if people do laugh, they'll never go for your "How many legislative analysts does it take to change a light bulb" routine. John Avalos know that. He's not a comedian.

But he thinks he can dance...

Thursday, Oct. 22

1 p.m. - Government Audit and Oversight Committee

Did you know there's a San Francisco Wholesale Produce Market? Because I didn't. I'll admit that: I'm not proud, but I've got nothing to hide, especially produce. Well okay, I am hiding a few heirloom tomatoes, but only because they're tender and delicious and I'm afraid that you'll bruise them. It's nothing personal. They're heirlooms.

Assuming that the San Francisco Wholesale Produce Market does really exist, the mayor, Sophie Maxwell, and Bevan Dufty have a proposal to expand it. This looks to be a very big deal, coming in between $76.7 million and $88 million (according to estimates, which are almost always wrong), potentially using public money and public buildings.

The budget analyst is not making a recommendation at this point on the project, noting that it's still vague and the mechanisms for project structures and governance, financing, revenues, and construction costs are not yet nailed down. That could be a big, flashing warning sign -- but when has it ever stopped us before?

This discussion will be followed by a hearing on the First Offender Prostitution Program (FOPP) (the much-discussed "School for Johns" that tries to educate first-time Johns out of buying, and provides services to keep Janes from selling) which the city's budget analyst just finished examining.

The former supervisor who called for the report, Jake McGoldrick, had suggested at the time that FOPP was misusing government funds and lacked oversight and direction. The report under discussion today is the warmed over echo of those complaints.

Yes, the Budget Analyst report acknowledges, a two-year, independent, federal Department of Justice study found that FOPP reduces the recidivism rate among Johns by almost 50 percent. But that's not the IMPORTANT thing. No, the IMPORTANT thing is that FOPP "lacks well defined goals" because "the District Attorney's Office lacks a single document, such as a mission statement or strategic plan, that defines the specific purpose of FOPP and the goals to be achieved."

Busted! How can any program, no matter how successful, possibly be successful without a mission statement?

The Budget Analyst drives home the stake into FOPP's heart: "In the absence of a specifically defined purpose and goals consistent with FOPP's program design, the District Attorney's Office can not determine if FOPP is an effective program."

How could it? Except for that independent federal study finding that it IS extremely effective the DA's got nothing. Nothing! Not even a strategic plan!

I'd conclude that this report is a hatchet job, but that would give it an impression of effectiveness that it really hasn't earned.

On the plus side, the report does contain some potentially useful suggestions -- such as the notion that police stings for Johns ought to move from the streets to the Internet -- and some facts that, in another time and place, might be considered scandalous.

It is true, for example, that FOPP uses the money it makes from its "Johns School" to pay for social services to working women ... and that it doesn't track the outcome of those services. That's a flaw.

But it's a sadly common flaw. Who in San Francisco DOES track outcomes? Nobody, that's who. Care Not Cash spends millions each year on social services for the homeless people it puts in SROs -- and doesn't track any of their outcomes. Communities Of Opportunity (price tag: over $5 million) offered social services to people in all five San Francisco public housing complexes ... and has nothing but anecdotal evidence to show for it. Even the Department of Children, Youth, and Families -- San Francisco's gold standard for tracking outcomes -- has four goals that it insists all the programs it funds meet ... but it only bothers to track the effectiveness for two of them.

In my happiest dreams, the ones where I'm riding a unicorn with the cast of Dollhouse, I would love to be able to accuse FOPP of not adequately tracking results. But sadly, they'll just have to wait in line behind everything else San Francisco does.

We don't track results. That's our thing. It's what we don't do.

Speaking of which, a fine crop of Civil Grand Jury reports have now been filed, and will be heard in front of this committee, and then never heard from again. Their titles include:

• "USE IT OR LOSE IT: a Report on the Surplus Real Property Owned by the San Francisco Unified School District"

• "Truants Can Be "Joyful Learners," Too: Unless Racism, Classism and/or Systematic Ineffectiveness Prevent Future Progress"

• "Being Propositioned by the San Francisco Unified School District" (What? Is that really the title? Yes -- apparently it is. Kinky)

• And, of course, the ever popular "Continuance Report," examining whether the recommendations of past Civil Grand Juries have been followed.

They usually haven't been. Why? Because that's our thing. Each week we go through a series of exciting meetings, then sit down in the chair, get our minds wiped, and come up with a whole new set of terrible ideas that we've already tried.

"Did I fall asleep?" we ask. And then we start investigating FOPP, because nobody's ever done that before.