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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Basebrawl: Will Colorado Rockies' Success Bring About the Apocalypse?

Posted By on Thu, Sep 24, 2009 at 4:59 PM

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The smug rapscallions breathing sweaty, testosterone-saturated air a mile high in Denver have to be humming "Time is on My Side" right about now. The Rockies lead the Giants by four games with 10 to play in the race to lose the opening round of the National League playoffs. But Colorado did piss away a victory yesterday while San Francisco prevailed -- so the wind is in the Giants' sails, even if the waterway they now navigate is growing rather shallow.

But, as the season grows short, consider this: Will a Colorado Rockies triumph in October result in the Rapture? The franchise is proud of its identity as the most Christian Baseball Team In All The Realm, has a reputation for recruiting Christian ballplayers, and have maintained a bowdlerized locker room in which Playboy is banned and prayer meetings are the order of the day. When you're a mile high, it seems, you're just that much closer to Jesus.

"They have a great group of guys over there, but I've never been in a clubhouse where Christianity is the main purpose," then-San Francisco Giant Mark Sweeney told USA Today of his experience with the Rox. "You wonder if some people are going along with it just to keep their jobs. ... Look, I pray every day. I have faith. It's always been a part of my life. But I don't want something forced on me. Do they really have to check to see whether I have a Playboy in my locker?"

Sweeney, by the way, had a reputation for being the nicest guy you'd ever hope to meet; the glue of the clubhouse, a smart, free-thinking, self-effacing guy. Guess he wore out his welcome in the Rockies' locker room.

Anyhow, back to our impending doom. If, indeed, the Rockies' efervescent prayers are answered, will a playoff berth and World Series triumph portend the imminent appearance of Gog and Magog, an apocalyptic war of the non-Christians originating in modern-day Israel, and all the other good stuff some people believe? Were we all spared this fate in 2007 when the Rox fell on their faces in the Series vs. the Red Sox only to get our just desserts now?

In short, shall I book a ticket to Ben-Gurion Airport and get this apocalyptic Holy War thing going now, Rockies? Because I already had plans for next month.

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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