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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Basebrawl: Coors-Soaked Gloating From Denver's Testosterone Cloud

Posted By on Wed, Sep 23, 2009 at 8:30 AM

Watching Matt Cain and the Giants piss away a big lead and then mount an ill-fated comeback was unpleasant, especially when coupled with the Colorado Rockies staving off an epic bullpen meltdown to gain another game on San Francisco. But we didn't assuage our disappointment by draining a 12-pack of cheap, watery beer and then wearing the box on our heads like a crown while commanding our fellow apartment dwellers to make way for the real King of Beers. 

We don't work for The Westword, in Denver, where, apparently, this is how you deal with life's problems. In their latest bout of trash-talking all things Giants and San Francisco, the rapscallions at our sister paper assumed we'd have resorted to massive quantities of alcohol to ease the pain. Two things: Coors may run in the taps out Westword's way, but not here. Second, any Giants fan who reaches for a bottle of booze whenever this team disappoints will live on in perpetuity when his relatives visit his beachball-sized liver in a medical museum well into the 22nd century.

Westword also took issue with our earlier statement noting that Denver is a city that has never "felt the joy of a sporting championship that wasn't connected to John Elway's equine, leering mug," noting the Colorado Avalanche's pair of Stanley Cup trophies. Fair enough -- let us amend that statement. Denver is a city that has never felt a joy of a sporting championship that wasnt connected to John Elway's aforementioned equine mug -- or the plundering of a hockey team from Canadians who nurtured it with their tears for agonizingly long stretches of futility only to have it greedily yanked away to Denver the moment it showed any promise.

Our Coors-soaked tormentors then resort to pictures to accompany their pithy words. In their estimation, the Giants' road to the playoffs resembled a trip down Lombard Street, while the Rockies' journey looked like this:

click to enlarge driveway_photo.jpg

Needless to say, we're a little concerned that our newspaper colleagues believe the ultimate destination is apparently the Antioch home of Jaycee Dugard kidnapping suspect Phillip Garrido

Westword! Don't get in that man's car -- even if he says he is John Elway! 

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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