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Friday, September 11, 2009

It's Your 49ers Season Opener Drinking Game!

Posted By on Fri, Sep 11, 2009 at 11:55 AM

click to enlarge Wallowing in nostalgia -- the habit of 49ers fans everywhere...
  • Wallowing in nostalgia -- the habit of 49ers fans everywhere...
The San Francisco 49ers' quest to stumble upwards toward mediocrity, reassert their once-proud tradition, and become something more than a gaggle of oversize, sweaty men wearing tight gold pants commences this weekend.

Since beer goes with televised football as naturally as high-ankle sprains go with playing football, SF Weekly is happy to provide this handy drinking game for Sunday's contest at Arizona. As always, please behave intelligently and responsibly -- and take this with the grain of salt we'd expect of fans seasoned by following a team whose coach felt it was a useful motivational tool to drop his pants in front of his players.

Take a small sip when:

Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner mentions "God," "Jesus," or other such religious euphemisms or makes a religious gesture;

Clips are shown of the Cards' appearance in the last Super Bowl;

Clips are shown of San Francisco coach Mike Singletary making a somewhat unhinged rant;

Clips are shown of Singletary during his illustrious playing days;

Clips are shown of holdout 49ers receiver Michael Crabtree doing fuck all;

Arizona wideout Larry Fitzgerald is referred to as "great" "the best," or "classy;"

A long run by a 49ers back is quickly followed by praise for running backs coach Tom Rathman and a sideline shot of him.

Take a liberal sip when:

Niners RB Frank Gore breaks off a run of 10 yards or more;

An announcer says any of the following words or phrases: "parity," "heighth," "focus," "[the] house," "game manager," "Wildcat," or "warrior."

The words "shadow," "respect," or "shine" are used when discussing Cards running back Tim Hightower;

Violent, war-like verbiage is used to describe 49ers' run-oriented offense;

Arizona party boy QB Matt Leinert is shown looking bored on the sideline;

49ers' WR Isaac Bruce is described as "ageless;"

Clips are shown of former San Francisco No. 1 draft pick Alex Smith failing repeatedly.

click to enlarge 'Great' ... 'The best' ... 'Classy' ...
  • 'Great' ... 'The best' ... 'Classy' ...
Drink it down when:

Leinert, Smith, or Nate Davis get any gametime at all;

Brian St. Pierre is mentioned, even for one fraction of a second;

The 49ers defense records a sack;

San Francisco's faux-throwback uniforms prompt clips of the Glory Days;

Any Tupac Shakur music is used as an intro or outro to/from commercials;

Michael Robinson lines up under center for San Francisco;

Visible heat waves are shown radiating off the field and/or the camera focuses on a sideline thermometer.

Polish it off when:

Audible profanities find their way onto the broadcast;

A player incorporates pantomine text-messaging or other use of electronics into his endzone dance;

A helmet, shoe, or other article of clothing flies off a player's body;

An announcer, after a pregnant pause, states, "You hate to see that;"

A term in prison is described as "a learning experience" or "a wake-up call;"

Close-up on cheerleader with less-than blindingly white, perfect teeth;

Niners win.

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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