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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

So You've Been Banging Your Co-Worker... Yes, It's the Oddest Office Spam We've Gotten Yet.

Posted By on Wed, Aug 26, 2009 at 8:30 AM

click to enlarge end_of_the_affair.jpg
When your e-mail address ends "@NameOfANewspaper," you get some very odd messages in your inbox. Somehow, I have ended up on a country music mass-mailing list. I regularly get dispatches intended only for municipal city managers ("New Dynamics in Tertiary Sewage Treatment -- Is it a Good Fit For You?"). But, to the best of my knowledge, the very oddest bit of e-spam I've gotten yet just arrived in the form of a missive promoting the charmingly named Web site and titled, "4 Tips to End an Office Affair and Save Your Marriage."

Needless to say, sending material about office affairs to people's office e-mail addresses is a bit creepy. If you're not married and not having an office affair, it's just odd. But if you are guilty as charged -- boy, imagine the bile hitting the back of your teeth when you see this e-mail's subject line pop up in bold!

Of course, the best way to avoid wrecking one's marriage by having an office affair is ... wait for it ... to avoid wrecking one's marriage by having an office affair. Naturally, that doesn't come up -- but this does: "Office affairs and romantic relationships at work must be handled delicately and on a case by case basis." In other words, don't confuse Lena and Gina and Tina when you're breaking up with them at 10:15, 10:30, and 10:45 in the break room. And don't hit "reply all."

Other pearls of wisdom:

Keep it short and simple. "To end a workplace affair, be direct" ... 

Eh, how about, "You're fired"?

Do it on your own time, not office time.  "Tell them in person and in public area where a scene is less likely to take place. Do not break off the affair at the office" ... 

"Thanks for coming to meet me at this cafe. You're fired."

Make it final. "When you end an affair, make it clear to your affair partner that you are ending it completely with no more friendship, e-mails, or lunches. Be consistent. If you waver, look inside yourself and find out why" ... 

And no emoticons, dammit!

As for "wavering" -- you mean, if a married person isn't strong enough to break off an illicit affair with a co-worker he or she might have to "look inside" and realize some degree of moral weakness led to this situation in the first place? The hell you say! 

Be kind.

"You're a really lovely person. And you're fired.

"Just kidding! But you are getting transferred to Kankakee, Illinois."

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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