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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Brian Boitano + Cooking Show = TV That Will *Never* Show In a Sports Bar

Posted By on Wed, Jul 15, 2009 at 8:30 AM

In 1988, Brian Boitano was an unlikely cold warrior in a sequined shirt, dispatching Iron Curtain figure skaters (and, for that matter, Canadians) en route to a gold medal. Now the San Francisco skater has become the unlikely host of a cooking show, and the Food Network today kicked off a publicity campaign. Disbelieving viewers will watch, open-mouthed, as the lithe skater hosts fabulous get-togethers in his San Francisco home and shares his recipes for dishes such as bourbon bacon apple tarts or crab and avocado crostini.

Sadly, said recipes won't be prepared on ice, and Scott Hamilton won't be there to shout "ohhhhhh!" in his high-pitched voice during a gastronomic mishap ("He's got to flip the burger here, he's got to land this, it's crucial ... Ohhhhhhhh! There goes the silver ... er, silverware.")

If the Food Network is looking for programming to run against the Super Bowl -- well, look no further. But the search for a cooking show that would actually play in a sports bar continues. And continue it will until some enterprising network makes the obvious choice and gives us ... Chef Rickey Henderson! Wouldn't you tune in to hear instruction such as this:  

click to enlarge 82_rickey_gg.jpg
"Hey there, welcome to Rickey's Cooking with Rickey starring Chef Rickey. I'm Rickey Henderson. Now, lots of you may be wondering, 'Rickey, you hit more leadoff homers than anyone, stole more bases than anyone -- what are your thoughts on jambalaya?' Well, Rickey has given this matter plenty of thought. And Rickey is in favor of it!

Today Rickey is going to be making Rickey's Jambalaya Surprise -- the surprise being that this is the recipe the Oakland A's gave Rickey in return for Rickey agreeing to cash those millions of dollars worth of checks I'd framed. They looked good on that wall -- but I think you'll agree we're all million-dollar winners with Rickey's Jambalaya Surprise.

First, Rickey browns his chicken in hot veggie oil over medium heat. When you're done, take it off and drain it out -- too much oil reminds Rickey of Billy Martin's hair. Rickey didn't like Billy; Billy used to throw bottles around and tell off-color anecdotes about the Copacabana Club. Man, Rickey didn't care who Billy punched out in 1959. That's, like, 100 years ago!

 Mix in your bell peppers, onions, garlic, and rice and simmer over low heat. Stir often -- remember, Rickey didn't get to be stolen base king without stirring it up! Then add your special seasonings -- my intern, Luis Polonia, will tell you what they are in a minute -- your water, and chicken. Rickey says boil that sucker and then let it sit for 25 minutes while we watch this Rickey Henderson highlight video. Whoo! That Rickey can fly!

Now we add in Walt Weiss -- that's what I call the shrimp -- and cook it for five more minutes. Tuck in and bring your hungry, folks -- Rickey don't like when Rickey finds Rickey's food on people's plates.

Thanks for tuning in folks! Until I attempt an ill-advised comeback at age 50, this is Chef Rickey Henderson signing off. If you see Jose Canseco, tell him Rickey does count Rickey's fine cutlery, and Rickey don't appreciate that kind of stealing one bit."     

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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