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Friday, June 26, 2009

Reeling Drunk With Apparent Ability to Alter Time and Space Arrested at S.F. Zoo For Harassing Kids, Animals

Posted By on Fri, Jun 26, 2009 at 8:30 AM

click to enlarge If you're going to be instantaneously transported from Hippie Hill to the zoo, it isn't happening without this guy's help
  • If you're going to be instantaneously transported from Hippie Hill to the zoo, it isn't happening without this guy's help
A man with a fondness for large amounts of cheap alcohol and an apparent ability to teleport across the city was arrested Wednesday evening for bothering children and animals at the zoo. It happens all the time.

Officers from the Taraval station headed to the zoo after receiving reports of "an extremely intoxicated man" making trouble. The gent admitted to officers that he'd quaffed many "Mad Dog Beers" on Hippie Hill in Golden Gate Park. Incidentally, no such beer seems to exist -- though the man may have been referencing Mad Dog 20/20, the ghastly fortified wine. In any event, this mix-up regarding libations wasn't as grand as what was about to come.

The drunk told the police that he had simply walked into the zoo after

disembarking from Hippie Hill. This would be a neat trick, as Hippie

Hill is about five and a half miles

from the zoo; if the man arrived instantaneously he would have likely

drawn the ire of many western San Francisco residents forced to replace

their windows after a ground-level sonic boom. You can get away with an awful lot in the remote confines of the Sunset/Parkside district -- but this people would notice.

The man was arrested for public drunkeness. NASA, incidentally, was not notified of the gent's ability to bend time and space, which may or may not be a power unleashed by consumption of unhealthy quantities of MD 20/20.

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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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