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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Junk Mail Solicitation of the Day: Save $10K on My Wedding? Tell Me More!

Posted By on Wed, Jun 10, 2009 at 7:30 AM

click to enlarge But see how much money they saved?
  • But see how much money they saved?
When the suffix of your e-mail address is "" you get a lot of amazing solicitations by truly desperate PR mavens. We've lost count of how many deluded souls thought you, the readers, would be clamoring for stories about contact paper one can apply to a toilet seat to create an Evel Knievel-like stars-and-stripes motif, interviews with random folks claiming the world will end based upon ancient Mayan prophecies, or articles explaining how to engorge various portions of one's anatomy -- and discharge certain bodily fluids further than a kangaroo can leap.

Maybe you would be interested in that after all. Anyhow, when the latest junk solicitation -- in all-caps -- told us how our readers could "SAVE $10,000 ON YOUR WEDDING!" we took note.

What can we say? Our solutions of: A. Don't get married; B. City Hall, Vacaville, and; C. Take over a house of worship by force and compel the priest/rabbi/imam to marry you at gunpoint would save you the money, too. But let's see what this is all about:

Suggestion: Rather than spend $2,000 for fancy schmancy invitations, go to a couple of different Web sites (that we ain't plugging here). Savings: $1,000.

Here's an even better idea: Drive a van to the gates of the nearest art college, wave a few small bills, and fight off the late-comers with a broomstick. 

Suggestion: Instead of paying top-dollar for a dress, head to Filene's Basement, where dresses may be had for up to 90 percent off (without even having the Bill Clinton treatment). Savings: $2,750.

This one's not bad at all. Still, more money yet could be saved if the bride and groom are willing to throw a "Second Great Depression" theme wedding. Imagine the blushing bride, resplendent in white -- a white barrel, hanging from her shoulders by gleaming ivory-hued suspenders. And, to offset costs, instead of giving away the bride, Dad can auction her off.

Suggestion: "Watch out for service charges and taxes that can drive initial price quotes much higher." Savings (per 200 guests): $4,400.


other words, "don't get ripped off." Good idea! That being said, the

very nature of the wedding industry is one continuous stream of

rip-offs. Wanna rent a hall for a Rotary Club Dinner, a mud-wrestling

tournament, or a re-enactment of the spread of Black Death in Medieval

Europe (bring your own pustules, please)? That'll be $1,000. Oh, a

wedding? That's $2,500.

If you haven't learned the following

phrases by the time you're old enough to be married -- "How much is

that all-told?" and "Can I get that in writing?" -- well, good luck.

Suggestion: Instead of hiring a wedding photographer, enslave your guests and rely upon their photographs. Savings: $3,500.

No, no, no, no, and no! Let us not take the "have 'em work for peanuts!" mode to this -- because you'll likely get what you pay for. If you don't want to throw down $4,000 for a wedding photographer, that's legitimate. But don't for a second think you're "replacing" a trained professional via a bunch of amateurs -- who will be drinking, unless you're saving money by serving tap water. Your wedding is not the time to test the Infinite Monkey Theorem. You can can find a decent photographer for way less than $4,000. But you will have to pay something -- unless you're fine with second-rate photos that you put your guests out to get. Your call.  

Suggestion: Just ask your guests for cash; to hell with the Pottery Barn dish towels. Savings: Much aggravation sorting through random crap from Pottery Barn et al.

"Show me the money!" was quite the catchphrase for a while, wasn't it? Here's some other ways to bring in funds:

  • Instead of tossing the bouquet, sell it off to the highest bidder. We hear some of those single girls are desperate. It's a seller's market -- perhaps the last one there is!
  • Raffle off the crap from Pottery Barn;
  • Hit guests with surprise bar tabs as they leave. Yes, we take plastic!
  • Sell 30-second airtime slots in the Best Man's speech; 
  • Wear a NASCAR-like tuxedo emblazoned with sponsors' decals;
  • If teams can sell stadium naming rights to corporations, couples should be able to sell baby naming rights to relatives. Can Uncle Isadore outbid Grandpa Horace? Is Gertrude an apropos name for a boy? Let $1,500 answer that question.

Hopefully our suggestions will keep some money in your pocket. And if anyone gets married while wearing a barrel -- please send us a photo (professionally taken, of course).





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About The Author

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi

Joe Eskenazi was born in San Francisco, raised in the Bay Area, and attended U.C. Berkeley. He never left. "Your humble narrator" was a staff writer and columnist for SF Weekly from 2007 to 2015. He resides in the Excelsior with his wife, 4.3 miles from his birthplace and 5,474 from hers.


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