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Friday, March 6, 2009

Mail Call: The Frosting Goes Where?

Posted By on Fri, Mar 6, 2009 at 3:58 PM

click to enlarge quickies.jpg
As previously reported, we receive a lot of stupid stuff in the mail. As the editorial assistant, and thus the mail maven, I feel it's my duty to bring you the absolute best of the worst. Yesterday, we received a letter bomb. A chocolate letter bomb.

A note arrived for one of our esteemed food writers, Matthew Stafford. It felt...squishy. And leaky. Due to the fact that I'm a naturally curious person and have little to no common sense, I opened the letter, which was somewhat difficult because it was glued together with a fudge-y brown substance. After much wrenching, I peeled from the confines of the envelope of something called "Quickies." Quickies Body Frosting.

It's hard to make fun of something that so readily mocks itself. Behold the ad copy on the single-serving size of Quickies:

Directions for Use:

1. Light Candles
2. Dim the lights
3.Open Quickies packet [This is really much too specific. You mean you're not supposed to just rub the unopened packet all over yourself and your intended? -a]
4. Announce softly "Dessert's on me tonight."

Because it would be downright tacky to loudly announce that you were dipped in frosting and ready to go.

The packet also suggest that you slip Quickies "into a greeting card" (Happy Mothers' Day!) or "take Quickies along on a romantic outing." (This inspired me to dream up a scenario involving a picnic. "The picnic's on me today!")

In case you're wondering how Quickies tastes, I did try it. (Remember the part about no common sense?) It tastes a lot like the Betty Crocker tubs of frosting that never go bad, except more chemical-y. I tried to get another staff member to try and she brought it close to her mouth before shaking her head and lamenting, "I can't! I just can't!"

Needless to say, they should work on their packaging. Because the first thing that crosses your mind when confronted with suspicious envelope leaking a sticky, brown substance isn't "I bet that's chocolate!"

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Andy Wright

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