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Thursday, February 19, 2009

Mirkarimi Suggests Improvements to Save Bay to Breakers: Outhouse Arsonist Shits His Pants

Posted By on Thu, Feb 19, 2009 at 2:01 PM

Who needs a stationary outhouse when you can have a mobile one?
  • Who needs a stationary outhouse when you can have a mobile one?

Somewhere in this city is an arsonist with an thirst for Porta-Potties. He -- pardon our stereotyping, but really now, what woman would be entertained by this? -- savors his press coverage each morning while sitting on the john; he soaks up how he's graced newspapers and TVs across the country and now the globe. But there is a troubling reality he cannot ignore. With 24 targets now obliterated in the city, he knows someday they will run out  -- his fame expiring with them.

But what's this, he asks, his eyes shifting to another headline: Bay to Breakers Activists Call for More Porta Potties To Save Race From Puritans (or whatever headline will be printed tomorrow in the paper). His eyes bulge with excitement. Good thing he's already sitting on the toilet. 

There were calls for Porta-Potties galore by Supervisor Ross Mirkarimi and Bay to Breaker defenders at a City Hall press conference today. The potties would help the race of debauchery to get its shit act together and combat the announced changes for 2009, including a ban on nudity, alcohol, and floats. Alongside Mirkarimi's podium was a visual aid that looked like a slacker high school project showing a map of "Proposed Improvements to 2009 Bay to Breakers." The major improvement was 30 new "toilet clusters" along the race route, marked with orange suns.

Mirkarimi said the race participants need to invoke a "Burning Man ethic" of civic responsibility and to leave no trace behind -- including your scatological functions. Among Mirkarimi's proposed changes to preserve the "celebratory nature" of the race:

  • Have a publicity campaign to encourage non-running participants to register for the race.
  • Expand the "Footstock" party to draw people out of the neighborhoods and into Golden Gate Park.
  • Registration for floats to generate revenue and fine discarded floats.
  • Reverse the ban on nudity (We're thinking that only in San Francisco would that

    be a bullet point on a city supervisor's press release.)

  • Add special Golden Gate Park's MUNI service to get people home from the park.
  • Focus police enforcement on destructive and out-of-control behavior.
Perhaps the most amusing part of the buttoned-up press conference was the rousing speeches by the race supporters. It seems everyone's been listening to a few too many Obama orations lately. Supporter Zach Berke whipped out soaring rhetoric to compare the B2B costumed drunkards to "the people who bike across the Golden Gate Bridge in the fog, who climb Mount Sutro in the rain." "We insist that floats be allowed throughout the race! We insist that we are allowed to enjoy ourselves! ... Bay to Breakers will be saved! God Bless San Francisco!"

That bit was followed up by District 5 resident Conor Johnston, who shared his advice to friends from Orange County who wonder what the big deal is about San Francisco: "Come to Bay to Breakers, you'll see a city rich in natural beauty. A people that are fun loving and .. peaceful... That is something worth fighting for..." He concluded with: "Amidst a din of deficit and uncertainty, it's time to prove once again...San Francisco knows how."

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Lauren Smiley

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