By Benjamin Wachs

Here’s the thing about the San Francisco Chronicle: It’s losing value. The paper lost $330 million between 2000 and 2005, according to its parent company, which is way more than even Phil Bronstein can find in his sofa.

Here’s the thing about Gannett News Corporation: It makes money. A December 2007 Credit Suisse report on newspapers ranked its value at about twice that of the New York Times Corp.

So, when Hearst brings in one of Gannett’s poster-boy editors to run the Chronicle, it’s pretty obvious to Bay Area journalism watchers that it’s not journalistic excellence that the Chron will be judged by.

It's Monday, January 28, as we bid adieu to all the gutbusting laughs incurred from SFSketchfest. The Kids in the Hall tribute was a proper way to send it off, but more on that later. The laughs don't have to end, as the Jerk himself Steve Martin's in town this week. This is your Monday Morning Hangover. Our fearless leader and Web Editor David Downs is M.I.A. like a Sri Lankan revolutionary emcee, so this is his evil minion Oscar Pascual, filling in as manservant Hecubus for today.

That serves as a good segue for today's video. Kids in the Hall performed many a classic sketch this weekend, but didn't bust out an appearance from Sir Simon Milligan and Hecubus. Find out what it really means to be EVIL:

Genius, I say. So what went down last weekend? Like, freakin' a lot, buddy. We've got words and pictures from all the neat functions:

-A concert review of Liars/No Age

-Pictures from Suite Jesus Loves the Ladies at Minna Gallery

-A show review of Kids in the Hall tribute

Plus all the regular content you've come to know and love:

By Andy Van De Voorde

After two days of voir dire proceedings, a panel of twelve jurors was sworn in Friday afternoon in the "predatory pricing" lawsuit filed against the Weekly by the Bay Guardian.

Alternate jurors have yet to be selected, which means that opening statements in the case will likely be pushed back to Monday afternoon, if not later.

Superior Court Judge Marla J. Miller approved the final panel after morning proceedings in which a number of prospective jurors were excused, either for cause or because they were the target of peremptory challenges by either side.

The man who yesterday told the judge that "if one man wants to sell his paper for less money, he should be allowed to do so" called in sick and was struck from the jury pool as a result. Judge Miller also excused two officers for start-up software companies who told her yesterday that they felt a case based on a Depression-era law limiting "below-cost sales" flew in the face of modern economic reality. A fourth person was excused by the judge for cause, presumably because at yesterday's proceedings she made clear her bias against "large companies."

The Weekly was purchased in 1995 by New Times Media, which is now called Village Voice Media and owns sixteen papers across the country.

Pool members excused at the request of attorneys included a longtime Pacific Gas & Electric employee, who was asked to leave by the Guardian after he told the packed courtroom that he preferred to read a dog-owners' magazine rather than the Guardian, both of which were available at his local Laundromat. "I suppose after six months of not reading anything, I might read it," the jovial journeyman said of the Guardian. The same man drew laughs earlier when Guardian attorney Ralph C. Alldredge told him his clients had written many stories of critical of PG&E and asked him if he was critical of PG&E himself.

"I've got 39 years in with them," the man replied. "What do you think?"

The Guardian used four other challenges on Friday to remove a mechanical engineer with a doctoral degree from Stanford; a worker for the U.S. Department of Agriculture's school-lunch program, who told the court he was " a bit more conservative than the Bay Guardian"; a man who works in the treasury department at Chevron and said he never read either paper; and a software engineer, who may have been targeted because he told Miller that the case "seemed like an uphill battle for the Guardian, unless they have some concrete evidence."

Weekly attorneys used three challenges. The first was used to remove a longtime employee for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services who told the court she ran programs for runaway and homeless youth. The Weekly also excused an unemployed man who said he used to work as an assistant manager at Walgreens, but "hoped he would never have to work for such a large company again." The same man said he was just starting a graduate program and wasn't sure he would be able to get enough sleep to pay attention in court. Finally, the Weekly excused a man who said he worked for a large "corporate branding" company but made a point of not buying coffee at Starbucks. He admitted that if "something was unclear" at the trial, his bias would lead him to vote against a larger company.

The two legal teams finally agreed on a panel in the early afternoon. The group sworn in by Miller comprises eight men and four women. It includes a pair of software engineers; a surgical nurse who rose to the rank of commander in the U.S. Navy; a 21-year veteran of the U.S. Post Office; a transit operator; a bank teller; a woman who runs her own trucking company; a longtime art and sculpture professor; a sports architect who helps design and build stadiums and arenas; a woman who does freelance Web development while also making and selling her own meditation CDs; a former San Francisco Chronicle distribution manager who now works for the Golden Gate Transit District and has started his own security company as a sideline; and a laboratory technician at a local hospital.

Judge Miller told attorneys for both sides that she intends to seat an additional five alternate jurors. That process got under way Friday afternoon, but was cut short when Miller excused the jurors in order to keep to her goal of conducting court from 8:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. during the trial.

Before the break, prospective alternates questioned by Miller included a retired federal government employee who noted he read both papers, an inspector for the San Francisco Fire Department, and a young woman who asked about the concept of "jury nullification" and then went on to disclose that she "runs an anti-big-media Web site in her spare time." She noted that her other extracurricular activities have included writing an academic paper about how Starbucks drives local competitors out of business so that it can then raise its coffee prices.

The alternate-juror selection process begins anew Monday at 8:30 a.m. at the courthouse on McAllister.

We all know the joke, "If you have one year to live, move to [insert name of crap city] because every day there feels like a fuckin' eternity." And we also know that time flies when you're having fun. The question remains: When the hell are we going to be able to control it? When will we be able to stretch out orgasms to year-long durations and fast forward through DMV lines? According to the New Scientist, we'll be able to teach our brains to stretch time sooner than you think. Or maybe not because time is all relative and blah blah blah. Anyways, it says tai chi and meditation help, but for me that shit takes too long. — James Y Lee

Lifehacker suggests a nice cheap vacation idea: Have one in the city! I know it sounds dumb, but it's kind of like buying a wig for your girlfriend and then pretending you're cheating on her. Oh yeah, there's nothing like role-playing to spice up our relationship with the city. Okay, let me help you out: You're the innocent tourist from the Midwest; San Francisco will be that experienced hot librarian that that has plenty to show you. Now put on that fanny pack and go to her. — James Y Lee