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The Horror

Monday, April 1, 2013

Apologetic Morrissey Announces Month-Long S.F. Residency, With Ticket Insurance

Posted By on Mon, Apr 1, 2013 at 4:01 AM

morrissey_meat_murdera.jpg

Perhaps, as Morrissey once sang, "Sorry Doesn't Help" -- but the singer is going to try anyway. Acknowledging for the first time the six Bay Area concerts he's cancelled in a row, Morrissey today announced plans for a month-long live residency in San Francisco this summer.

"Dear San Francisco, I'm sorry ... I'm feeling better, and I'll do my best to play for you this time," the England-born, Los Angeles-based former Smiths singer said in a statement, alluding to his recent health problems. "We shall be together for a whole month -- as long as you keep the smell of burning animals away."

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Thursday, August 23, 2012

Unholy Train-Ghirardelli Alliance Sets Out to Ruin Chocolate, Too

Posted By on Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:47 AM

The chocolate lovers in question.
  • The chocolate lovers in question.

Having already tainted pop radio, S.F. Giants games, wine, and nearly every rock club in San Francisco, Train is now out to impress the icky stamp of its exhausted cliches and limp-dicked rhymes on another seemingly un-ruinable thing: chocolate.

The band will appear on the Today Show tomorrow to announce its new partnership with S.F. chocolate-maker Ghirardelli -- and, no doubt, to get Ann Curry and the housemoms who still watch the Today Show a little hotter than the usual Friday a.m.

How did the band manage to lay its stinky brand on another sweet space? Turns out -- although we thought he wasn't human -- Train singer Patrick Moynahan likes chocolate. "After expressing his dream of a specialty chocolate with the acclaimed brand, Ghirardelli reached out to him and the "Save Me, San Francisco Chocolate" was born," chirps a press release today.

Thus we get three new flavors of Ghirardelli: Chest hair, desperation, and Viagra.

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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Muse's Official Olympic Song "Survival" Is Decidedly Not a Victory for the World

Posted By on Thu, Jun 28, 2012 at 12:20 PM

"I'm gonna wiiiiiiiiiiiiiin" - CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio
  • "I'm gonna wiiiiiiiiiiiiiin"

Does Muse know what a song is? There's admittedly some prior evidence that the three kings of grandimediocrity do, but then there's also "Survival," the band's new, "official" song for the 2012 London Olympics, which sounds less like a thoughtfully arranged piece of music and more like random mash-up of Queen outtakes and clips from the soundtracks to Michael Bay movies. If you can dream a rock anthem element, it's here: Sky's-gonna-fall "Ooooaaaahhh"-ing from a big chorus of voices, Kodak-moment orchestral trim, lots and lots of palm-muted guitar riffs -- oh, and in a gold-medal-worthy feat of literal-mindedness, Matt Bellamy seething "I'm gonna win, yes, I'm gonna win!" (It's the Olympics, and he's gonna win -- get it?)

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Friday, April 13, 2012

One Direction: After Ignoring so Many Brit Boy Bands, Why Does America Like These Twerps?

Posted By on Fri, Apr 13, 2012 at 8:41 AM

one_direction.jpg


If you're a regular viewer of Saturday Night Live, chances are high that you found yourself confused and aghast last weekend, when the show's musical guest turned out to be British boy-band sensation One Direction. The band members grinned their way through two songs -- one of which, incidentally, directly stole the melody from an old Backstreet Boys' hit and cunningly changed the words from "I want it that way" to "I need that one thing." Subtle, fellas. Real subtle.


Then, this week, no doubt encouraged by the fact that its first album

debuted at No. 1 one on the Billboard 200 (they're the first UK

group in history to go straight in at No. 1 with their first album,

depressingly), the band announced a giant

North American arena tour -- for summer 2013, because it's just too

busy to do it before that. One Direction is here, ladies and gents,

and, tragically, it has zero intention of going anywhere.

The

United Kingdom has a long history with boy bands -- it's an artform

that never fell out of favor over there -- but not since the Spice Girls

has a British pop band exploded in America to such a sudden and

startling degree. The boy bands that have filled stadiums and set pulses

racing in the U.K. for the last two decades haven't even made the

slightest dent over here.

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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Here's Duck Sauce's New, NSFW Video for "Big Bad Wolf," and Six Other Videos in Which the Human Face Is Absolutely Terrifying

Posted By on Wed, Oct 26, 2011 at 8:26 AM

Yesterday, Billboard.com asked its readers if they thought Duck Sauce's new video, for the track "Big Bad Wolf", was the most disturbing video of 2011. Well, we've just had a look -- and while it's definitely weird and it's definitely uncomfortable, we're just gonna go ahead and say that this scathing mockery of human mating rituals (and sexuality in general) is mostly just laugh-out-loud funny. See? (Watch out --  it's NSFW!)

 

In honor of Duck Sauce's bold and memorable contribution to the visual arts, we'd like to take a look back on our favorite head-case videos -- that is, videos in which there's nothing more horrifying than the human face. Take it away, sickos!

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Thursday, September 15, 2011

Top 10 Reasons You Should Be Very Afraid of Kesha Fans (Photos)

Posted By on Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 4:08 PM

Kesha came to the Fox Oakland last night. We couldn't hear the sonic damage from our home in the city, but we're sure it was cacophonous and despicable. The queen of trash-pop (or is it pop-trash?) is notorious for luring innocent, unsuspecting persons into those treacherous dens in which she performs, then forcefully converting them into devoted, sleazy Kesha fans. Once turned, supporters acquire set of traits that make them significant existential threats to decent, fully clothed, reasonably sober, monogamous human beings. Thus, Kesha fans are to be feared and stayed away from. Here are 10 of the best reasons why:

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

10. Kesha-loving women turn otherwise virile, self-determined men into helpless slaves.

And the poisoned males like it!

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So Train's Awful Singer Doesn't Even Live in San Francisco or the Bay Area

Posted By on Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 12:58 PM

Pat Monahan, suburban Seattle resident.
  • Pat Monahan, suburban Seattle resident.

Did you see our investigation this week into the miseries of Train -- one of the most successful local bands of the last decade? If you did, you'll recall that this infamous, Grammy-winning trio has a song called "Save Me, San Francisco," whose horrors we explored in great detail.

Well, we've come across another stunning revelation re: Train's shittiness. It turns out Patrick Monahan, the band's frontman, main songwriter, and lyricist, doesn't even live in San Francisco or the Bay Area.

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    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"