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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Top 5 Worst Birthday Songs Ever

Posted By on Wed, Jul 25, 2012 at 9:26 AM


So, 2 Chainz and Kanye West just saw fit to join forces to write a birthday song. Called "Birthday Song." What the ball-sack were they even thinking?

It's a well known fact that there are only three birthday-related songs in the history of music that are actually good. One is Loretta Lynn's "Happy Birthday." One is "Birthday" by the Sugarcubes (which is so insanely great, it almost makes up for all the shit birthday songs in the world). The third one is "Birthday" by The Beatles (and mostly, we're just giving that one credit for the strong opening and short length).

Frankly, zany cartoon Aqua Teen Hunger Force's "Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary" birthday song (featuring Zakk Wylde) made more sense to us than either Chainz and Kanye's "Birthday Song," or any of the following. Here are our top five worst birthday songs.

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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Five Awful Attempts at Making Music by Rich, Beautiful, Famous People

Posted By on Tue, Jun 26, 2012 at 8:30 AM


As we all know, it's easy to take pot-shots at stupid, beautiful people. Incredibly entertaining, yes, but easy nonetheless. Honestly, we would stop doing it altogether, if only these clueless floozies would stick to having ridiculous incompetence levels in only their general lives, rather than stepping into the world of music and doing it there, too. Hey, models, "it" girls, and reality stars! Stop goading us with attempts to launch music careers! We have to keep laughing at you! Here are our five favorites.

1. Paris Hilton "DJ"s in Brazil on Saturday

The problem with being surrounded by Yes Men is, well, this sort of thing. We can only assume that at some point, Paris Hilton, bored in a club in the South of France or somewhere, looked at some turntables and went "I could do that! Right, you guys?" and her entourage all made coughing sounds and stared at the ceiling for a while and then just started emphatically nodding and going "Totally, sure, suuuuuuure". The result -- if Saturday's "DJ" set at Sao Paulo's Pop Music Festival is anything to go by -- is so utterly shambolic, it defies description. Observe in the above clip Paris yelling: "This is my new song, 'Last Night,' with Afrojack!" Then giggle as you hear a member of the audience mock her nasal pronunciation of "Afrojack." Finally, allow yourself to become bewildered as Hilton accidentally puts on Rihanna at the same time as 'Last Night,' then starts singing her song anyway. The (excruciating) lesson here? Putting on nice headphones and waving your arms around does not make you a DJ.

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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Top 10 Best Classic Albums to Name Yourself After

Posted By on Wed, May 23, 2012 at 11:01 AM


Led Zeppelin II has perished. Not the album, of course, but the man: 64-year-old Illinois resident George Blackburn legally renamed himself Led Zeppelin II last fall as an ode to his favorite album of all time. Today, unfortunately, the Chicago Tribune reports that Mr. II (or is it Mr. Zeppelin II?) passed away May 18.

His shining example of rock fandom, however, got us thinking: What other great albums would make great names for human beings? So we did a little musing, and came up with this totally serious and authoritative list of the top 10 best classic albums to name yourself after. Feel free to suggest alternatives in the comments.

10. Aerosmith's Greatest Hits

You could name yourself just "greatest hits," but why leave any doubt as to whose you mean? This is actually the proper name of the album, and what a hilarious mindfuck it would be to explain/boast (because how could you not boast), "I am Aerosmith's Greatest Hits!" You'd never suffer a bruised ego again... unless of course you're not an Aerosmith fan.

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Friday, May 18, 2012

Five Potentially Unhealthy Music-Related Fashion Trends

Posted By on Fri, May 18, 2012 at 8:10 AM

Humans will always enjoy reflecting their musical tastes via the medium of their clothes. And fashion lunatics will tell you that suffering is all part of being beautiful. But if you want to see out of both eyes, keep your ankles fully functioning, and still have babies on day, we suggest you read on. Here are five music-related fashion trends that could be harmful to your health.

1. Emo Hair


One more thing to cry about, emotional teens: according to Australian doctor Andrew Hogan, covering one eye with that brooding swoop of hair you've been cultivating for years could, in fact, cause lazy eye syndrome. Don't panic though. Chances are, if you still have emo hair in 2012 (seriously... are you still on MySpace too?), you'll be hanging onto that shit 'til the day you die. In which case, it won't matter if you have a lazy eye or not, because no one will ever see the damn thing.  

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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Eight Chubby Male Musicians We'd Love to Cuddle With

Posted By on Thu, Apr 26, 2012 at 3:30 AM

Earlier this week, our hard-bloggin' sister paper in Broward County, Fla., ran a thoughtful piece titled "Eight Pleasingly Plump Female Musicians We'd Like to Get Down With." That post has since been flushed from the Internet because a) it turns out women are people, and b) fucking duh.

But famous-people sexy lists are to the internet what Twi'lek slave dancers were to the Rancor, so here's our fair's fair equal-time stab at the same general idea, just sexist and weightest the other way for once. Here then are eight chubby male musicians with whom we'd love to repair to the boudoir, share a glass of warm milk, and get to some stone-cold snugglin'.


8. John Popper Because nothing screeches "comfort" like an extended harmonica solo.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Before Iggy Pop: Five Artists' Memorable And/Or Awful Attempts to Sing in French

Posted By on Tue, Apr 24, 2012 at 8:41 AM


On May 9th, Iggy Pop is releasing his latest album. Woo-hoo! But wait. Simmer down. The record is called Après and it will be comprised mostly of French cover versions -- Edith Piaf and Serge Gainsbourg songs included. We applaud Iggy's ongoing enthusiasm for multi-culturalism and bilingual experimentation, but when native-English-speaking artists have rolled into Francophilia-town before now, the results haven't always been stellar. We'll start with the best and roll on up to the worst. Here are the top five most memorable incidents of English-speakers singing French. Voila!

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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Axl Rose Is Batshit: His Top Five Craziest Moments

Posted By on Wed, Apr 18, 2012 at 9:03 AM


You may have noticed in the last couple of weeks that Axl Rose is running amok all over the press again (it's been a while, Axl, thanks for coming back to us). Not only have there been reports that -- try not to vomit on your keyboards -- he's dating Lana Del Rey (so, so wrong on so many levels we don't even know where to start with that one), but now he's questioning the validity of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame... after it decided it wanted to induct Guns N' Roses. Say what you like about Mr. Rose, we never know what he's gonna do next. Here are the top five craziest moments of his career.

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Monday, April 16, 2012

Hey, Coachella Fans: Top Five Signs You're An Aging Hipster

Posted By on Mon, Apr 16, 2012 at 12:03 PM

tim norris coachella scenery.jpg
Timothy Norris/LA Weekly


Aging hipsters -- the very same people Coachella targeted when it began holding the music fest in Indio -- are usually easy to spot on the Empire Polo Fields. They're the ones who can't be bothered to walk over to Gobi and check out a new band because "It's too hot!" (or, in Friday's case, "It's too cold!"). They're the ones who weren't interested in At the Drive In's set because they were too old when Vaya first came out. They make disparaging remarks about everyone else's outfits ('What the fuck is that flower contraption on that girl's head?"). If you think we're talking about you, check out our list after the jump.

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Thursday, April 5, 2012

Before Rufus Wainwright's "Out of the Game": Top Five Music Videos Where Celebrities Lip-Synch

Posted By on Thu, Apr 5, 2012 at 9:05 AM

Rufus Wainwright, dapper dandy and San Francisco favorite, just released a music video for the title track of his forthcoming album, Out of the Game, which is slated for release April 23. The video features a prim and surprisingly ordinary (dare we say, boring and predictable) Helena Bonham Carter as a librarian who castigates a bevy of characters through pursed-lips, wagged fingers, and eye furrows.

The video is an obvious nod to literary pursuits -- each character stands as the virtual embodiment of the book they carry (or at least that's how Wainwright reads Valley of the Dolls). But to say that the video sums up to the old adage, "You can't judge a book by its cover," is falling short.

Chalk full of the usual self-deprecation, Wainwright's video relies on Mrs. Tim Burton to carry the weight of his words, which laughingly and lovingly croon that even the holier than thou fall from grace once in awhile.

This isn't the first time a celebrity has been cast to mouth words written by other people -- it's a trend that has been with the music video since its inception. Aside from punctuating lyrical meaning, celebrity lip service serves to distract, humor, or even frighten us. Here are the top five best in music celebrity video lip syncs:

5. "Cry Baby," by Cee Lo Green

Before Jaleel White cried on Dancing with the Stars, he was cast as heartbreaker Cee Lo Green in this off-Disney production.

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Friday, March 30, 2012

Fucked Up vs. Katy Perry: The Top Five Most Offensive Videos That Glamorize War

Posted By on Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 8:21 AM

Fucked Up's gloriously unhinged frontman Damian "Pink Eyes" Abraham got all righteous on Katy Perry's ass this week after apparently viewing the video for her "Part of Me" single. First he Tweeted: "Seeing Katy Perry as a soldier in the video for 'Part of Me' really makes me think that we need to start a war so she can go die." Then he later Tweeted: "Yes I'm aware that my last tweet was kinda dumb but so is glamorizing war to sell records to idiots. Katy Perry still sucks."

Woo-hoo! Way to make us wanna high-five our computers, Pink Eyes! Of course, idiots have been glorifying and glamorizing war in music videos for years. Here are the top 5 offenders.

5. "19," Paul Hardcastle


This one's at the end of the list because Paul Hardcastle definitely didn't glamorize the Vietnam War. However, he did manage to turn it into a hip dance song, which was a little confusing at the time. I say this as a human who remembers going to a disco dancing class at the age of six with my 10-year-old sister, who proceeded to do an entire routine to this while wearing a shiny pink lycra body suit. That's what happens when you put a dance beat behind a protest song, people. And yes, in 1985, teenagers in discos across the globe side-stepped their asses off to this. The song did at least provide some shocking statistics to scare the bejesus out of any young folk listening to it as something more than a cool, cutting edge pop song. But it's still pretty weird.

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  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"