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Monday, October 5, 2015

The 10 Best Things R. Kelly Said Friday Night at Oracle Arena

Posted By on Mon, Oct 5, 2015 at 11:36 AM

click to enlarge ADRIAN SPINELLI
  • Adrian Spinelli


OK, I'll admit it: I'm not a raving R. Kelly fan. I don't know the name of every song in his expansive discography, except the obvious "I Believe I Can Fly," and "Ignition," but dammit if this guy didn't have me hanging on his every word at Oracle Arena on Saturday.

Maybe it was the four costume changes he underwent throughout the night, the black snakeskin pants,  or the Chicago Bulls-colored sequined basketball jersey that said "KING" across the front. Or maybe it was the thousands of women around me, who shrieked along to every word with sheer joy. Or perhaps it was the dudes accompanying them, who looked like they just came out of Ronald Isley's house. But whatever it was, I had an ear-to-ear smile all night — from the moment R. Kelly "made it rain" with dollar bills during his second song (We caught $9), 'til I shook his outstretched, massive Shaquille O'Neal-sized hand as the evening came to a close. 


The notoriously raunchy R&B singer spewed his share of sexually charged one-liners; each more unpredictable than the next. Some were spoken in song and others were boldly proclaimed in between pulls on a cigar that never left his fingers and chugs of Hennessy from the on-stage bar (seriously). Here is Saturday night's definitive collection of sexy, dirty, and generally hilarious, questionably serious one-liners from the man who calls himself "KELLZ."

"Make some noise if you wanna get on stage with KELLZ!"

This was shortly before he brought up about a dozen women on stage for the duration of the show. They sat on comfy leather couches, each separated by an ornery lamp and (as long as they kept dancing), drank from the on-stage bar behind them. A second dozen joined them later in the evening and, to R.Kelly's credit, he even brought up a lady in a wheelchair for four songs towards the evening's end and serenaded her. 

"Is this Oakland? Cause this Mothafuckah ain't turnt up enough for me tonight!"

This elicited the loudest early roar of the night from the crowd. The women next to me in the front were snapping away, Facebooking and Instagramming. One girl was thoughtful enough to call a friend up mid-song, to break down the stage setup and R.Kelly's outfit, much in the same way I did above. 

"You tryna pull my shit off? Well it won't come off!"

This was said in song, to one excitable lady who caused a song to come to an abrupt stop after she groped Kellz. He had come close enough to the end of the stage for his fans to engage with him, even giving a few women a black towel and ordering them to "Keep drying me, keep drying me girl!" One lady in particular, made a grab for the family jewels and Kellz immediately pulled back with a suspicious leer, before stating the obvious (It's attached, duh.)

click to enlarge ADRIAN SPINELLI
  • Adrian Spinelli


"You're gonna be walking bow-legged ... Imma make yo back hurt and you gonna need some Aaaadvils"


Here, R.Kelly describes how hard he would fornicate with some of these ladies (So hard that they'd need Advil for the pain). Nice analogy Kellz. 

"Lemme get a shot of Hennessy pronto."

Making a demand to the on-stage bartender. It was quickly acknowledged. 

"I'm gonna read a poem ... An uplifting poem. My first poem for all the ladies."

This was shortly before he read the most sexually inundated poem I've ever heard in my life. The poem sounded like it came out of the page of one of those supermarket romance novels with Fabio on the cover, crossed with a 7-Eleven nudie mag that comes shrink-wrapped, because it's so risqué that you're only allowed to flip through its pages in the privacy of your own home. 

"And i'll turn your man into Aaron Hall, my ass got a big dick and I just fucked the shit outta y'all!" 

This was the final line of that "uplifting poem." I'm still trying to understand whether R.Kelly was trying to insinuate that he'd empower the girls's man to be as suave as notoriously romantic R&B crooner Aaron Hall, or if he was taking a shot at Hall saying he's soft? Here's hoping someone transcribed the lyrics to this poem on RapGenius and got to the bottom of this one. 

"Fuckin' with these chips & chiliiii!"

When Kelly would go backstage for costume changes, a video on the jumbo screen played interviews with him. Text would appear with the question and Kelly would answer them on screen. The line between recording and live footage was blurred to the point where the crowd wondered whether Kelly was sitting backstage answering questions for a minute. On one of the clips, Kelly was describing the chili he was eating and how he liked to dip chips in it. No report back on whether chips and chili were actually available from the concession stand that night. 

click to enlarge ADRIAN SPINELLI
  • Adrian Spinelli

"I wanna welcome y'all to the black panty show!"

This precluded R. Kelly polling the ladies in the audience on whether they were wearing: A) Black panties B) "whatever color" panties or C) No panties. Results? A mixed bag.... we've got Nate Silver at FiveThirtyEight.com currently trying to tally the "panty distribution at an R.Kelly concert" results and will update with his findings. 

"How many people out there have FUCKED to my music?! How many of y'all got babies to my shit? How many of y'all ARE babies to my shit?!"

Pretty fair question, to be honest. Dude's been making bedroom-speaker music for 30 years and his voice is still silky smooth. 


click to enlarge ADRIAN SPINELLI
  • Adrian Spinelli


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Adrian Spinelli

Adrian Spinelli

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Hip hop and sandwiches.

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